


Lock and Key

by Infinity_Pain



Category: Infinity Train (Cartoon)
Genre: Broken Bones, But it takes a good minute to get there, Concussions, Dehumanization, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Hallucinogens, Imprisonment, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Consensual Kissing, Non-Consensual Touching, Psychological Torture, Torture, Violence, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:06:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 39,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27010162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Infinity_Pain/pseuds/Infinity_Pain
Summary: Simon has gotten everything he wanted. He turned the children against their former leader, he rules the Apex, he even imprisoned his former best friend. But Simon wants one more thing, he wants to break Grace. And he'll use any means necessary to do it.It's finally time to start living up to my name. Also please note the tags because this gets bad.
Relationships: Simon Laurent & Grace Monroe, Simon Laurent/Grace Monroe
Comments: 82
Kudos: 25





	1. Containing The Void

**Author's Note:**

> There is physical violence and concussion in this chapter.

There before him stood the Void. Simon had pictured this moment for what had felt like forever, the Void was completely unaware of what it had walked into. “Apex, grab the Void.” he ordered and the children followed suit. He walked over to the Void who looked at him with those same brown eyes it always had. Now devoid of life, or at least to Simon, devoid of any life worth acknowledging.

“Simon, what the hell is going on?” it said to him. 

“Silence Void.” he replied sinisterly.

“What the fuck is a Void.” it asked. Simon smiled before giving the answer.

“Allow me to explain.” he said to the vacuous presence before him. He walked past the Void and grabbed the law textbook from which he’d gotten the definition. It was thick, heavy. Perfect. “Void is defined as no longer valid. Other definitions include completely empty. For our purposes however, Apex what is a Void?” he asked. The children responded in kind, just as he taught them. This was perfect, just as he’d imagined. “Very good.” he said, addressing his followers. “Any other questions Void?” he asked. The Void stared at him with an intensity that might have made him uncomfortable a long time ago.

“Yes, many. Let me go!” It said attempting to struggle away from the thirty or so children keeping it confined. Simon shook his head.

“Oh you misunderstand Void. You won’t be going anywhere, though I’d be happy to answer all of your useless questions later.” He walked behind the void, still holding the book, it’s weight shifting in his hands. “Goodnight Void.” he swung as hard as he could as the back of the Void’s skull where the head and neck merged and listened satisfied at the cracking sound that the book made as it connected to the Void’s flesh. He’d practiced this countless times, he needed the Void unconscious for the rest of his plans. The children started in terror as the Void’s body became limp in their arms as they whispered amongst themselves.

“Is Grace dead? Did he kill her?” was murmured between the children as Simon ascended to the top of the escalator again and demanded their attention. Fear was useful but it could also backfire. He needed the children’s loyalty and some of that would come from disconnecting them from the Void they once knew as Grace.

“Calm yourselves Apex. The Void is not dead, however it is important to note that the Void is not human, and therefore not worthy of your consideration in terms of it’s life. The Void is an infestation, a plague on our home who seeks to turn each and everyone one of you into a creature like it’s self. Just like a bug we must squash the Void and use it as a tool to warn against any of it’s kind attempting to do what it has done. Are we clear?” he asked. The children quickly responded.

“Yes sir Simon sir!” the said in unison. Simon nodded.

“Very good. As for the Void, I will take it to it’s new quarters. The Void will be a prisoner of the Apex, a warning for any who seek to side with the Nulls we have been ordained to annihilate. You all have done well today, spend the rest of your time as you please. Dismissed.” he announced before descending the escalator once again to collect the limp body of the Void. The children scattered as he approached and grabbed the Void carrying it away. Good. Fear was useful to him in moderation. As he carried the Void he talked to it, despite the fact it was unconscious. 

“You know Void, you almost ruined my plan. When I saw you I almost wanted to wheel you just on principal, but I kept my composure. This will be far more fun.” Simon approached one of the former store’s in the car, the one that was in the far back corner all of the Apex kids were afraid of. When the Void had lived alongside him they’d used that area as their relaxing spot, just for the two of them. Simon had prepared it as the Void’s new prison. It’s shutters even looked like prison bars from the inside.

He’d had the store gutted, leaving only the exposed piping and even that felt far too good for the Void. Still, the pipes would be useful for keeping it from escaping. Simon tossed it’s unconscious body to the ground and began chaining it’s appendages to various poles. He’d made sure the Void’s bonds were sturdy, after all if it could escape it’s own tape it would no doubt have plans to escape any conventional prison. And if the Void escaped Simon’s plans would have been ruined.

After finishing securing the Void Simon left, closing the shutters to ensure the Void would awake in darkness. He’d be back to speak to the Void when it awoke, but he needed to address his followers. “Apex,” he said commanding their attention. “The Void has been imprisoned. As for rules concerning the Void, you are never to speak of the Void without my express orders. You are never to go near the Void’s quarters without my express orders. You are never to refer to the Void by it’s false name. You are never to speak to the Void. Is that clear?” Simon asked the children.

“Yes sir Simon sir.” They responded. Simon nodded, the sound was music to his ears, he was in charge. The Void had nothing.

‘Very good.” Simon walked to his room in order to relax and write. He’d made many revisions to Esmoroth in the short time that he’d been back and now that he’d successfully captured the Void he had many additions to make, rise of the true king indeed. About an hour or so later Simon decided to check on the Void, gabbing a bottle of water on his way over to the Void’s prison. As he entered the void had just begun to wake. 

“What the fuck happened?” The Void asked, holding it’s head and seeming dazed. Simon smiled, he was happy to fill in the gaps.

“I knocked you unconscious.” he said simply before throwing the bottle of water at the Void incredibly intensely. It hit the wall next to where the Void sat with a loud bang. The Void flinched at this. Simon smiled. “You have a concussion. Drink up.” he said the Void strained against it’s restraints at that moment having realized that it was being held prisoner. “Do you need help with that Void?” it looked at him with anger, but not hatred. Simon couldn’t wait to make that change. He rolled the bottle of water over to where the Void could reach and watched as it slowly struggled to open the bottle before getting the water out.

“Why did you do this to me?” The Void questioned him. Simon laughed before stopping abruptly and getting close to the Void’s face. It was going to understand the pain it had caused him. He’d make it understand that pain.

“You are a parasite. A plague. You pretended to care for me only to infiltrate and destroy the life we’d built. You let yourself get infected with lies from the false conductor, and chose Nulls over passengers. You betrayed the Apex.” Listing the Void’s crimes to it’s face made Simon angry; he clenched his fists and waited for the Void’s response. “Well! Answer for your crimes!” he shouted. Tears filled the eyes of the Void. Proof of weakness.

“Simon we were kids I-” Simon cut off the Voids lies, he’d hear no more of it’s falsehood.

“Don’t you ever do that! Don’t ever refer to me like you know me, like we had a history together! You destroyed everything that we could have had! You disgust me!” he screamed. The Void was crying now, this calmed him. The Void had no power here, the Void was nothing.

“So what Simon? Are you going to kill me?” it asked him. Simon regained his composure and smiled.

“No. The wheel is far too good for you. Nulls are a disgusting blight on the train but they don’t know any other way. The wheel is a perfect death for them. Empty and meaningless as the train keeps chugging on. But you, you had the knowledge of the true conductor, the knowledge of your place on the train. And you gave it up. I’m going to teach you a lesson about betraying the Apex, Void.” Simon said sinisterly. The Void shook its head.

“Simon, this isn’t you. This isn’t what the Apex should be.” The Void spoke. Simon rolled his eyes.

“This is the Apex in its greatest form, me in my greatest form. You just want to destroy the new order that I’m building.” he retorted. “And don’t call me Simon. That is a name reserved for people, and you are no person.” he said glaring at the Void.

“What am I supposed to call you?” the Void questioned. Simon smirked at it.

“To you, I’m your warden, your jury, your executioner. I am the divine ruler of the train, your all powerful king. But to keep things simple, I am your own personal god and you can refer to me as such. I can be merciful, or vengeful. For a Void such as yourself I would do the best I could to stay on the merciful side considering your life is in my hands and I plan on being the last face you see before death, one way, or another.” he explained. The Void still had tears in it’s eyes. “Now, get some rest and drink that water. It would be a shame if you succumbed to head trauma before you saw the true power of the Apex.” Simon said casually. That was the trick, to switch between personas flawlessly, to keep the Void off it’s balance. 

“You can’t keep me here.” The Void said frightened.

“Watch me.” He turned and left the store leaving the Void in darkness and shadow as he returned to bask in the glory and light of what he had done. Hurting the Void was fun but that wasn’t his ultimate goal. He would break the Void, ensure that no matter what happened it was unable to function without him. He’d make sure the Void’s life became tantamount to a nightmare in which the person it feared most was the person it needed. He would consume the Void’s thoughts, control it’s life the way it had controlled his. That was the true power of the Apex. And he was the god that wielded such power.


	2. Awash In Flame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is physical violence in this chapter

A system quickly emerged regarding the day to day activities of the Apex. It all centered around Simon. Simon had good days and bad days. On good days Simon would be generally affable, he’d take the children on raids and commend their efforts, he’d give them free reign of the car, aside from the prison of the Void, and would generally work on his models or his writing. About half way through the day he’d send a trusted Apex kid to deliver the Void it’s meal and wouldn’t mention the Void all day besides that. The Apex kids loved Simon’s good days because of what they led to, calmness. 

Simon loved his good days because of what caused them. On his good days Simon didn’t think of the Void, he didn’t allow it to take up residence in his mind and sometimes, even just for a moment, he’d forget the Void had ever existed. For just a few fleeting moments Simon felt as though this was how it had always been, he’d always led the Apex alone. Of course he did remember the Void eventually but that made his good days even better. On his good days the Void was starved not of food but of social interaction, something which he knew the Void needed more than anything else. 

After all, it was the desperation for connection that had led the Void to becoming attached to a Null in the first place. Without it Simon felt that he was bringing the Void closer to his goal of becoming broken, of being reliant on him as it’s only social connection. But of course the existence of good days implies the existence of bad days. And Simon’s bad days were far more frequent. Those were the days when the Void consumed his thoughts, when he was filled with contempt and anger at the Void, when he wanted to hurt it the most. Today was one of Simon’s bad days. “Apex!” Simon yelled from the top of the escalator. They children stood at attention, recognizing that Simon was having one of his bad days. “I have a job for you all today. Grab everything you can from the Void’s former room and bring them to the line in front of the Void’s prison. Do not enter the Void’s former room until I make the order. ” Simon announced as he walked towards the room.

“Yes sir Simon sir.” the children replied in unison before rushing up the escalator towards the Void’s former room. Simon hadn’t entered it since the Void’s betrayal and as he looked inside before allowing the children to rip everything out of it he took in the feeling of seeing it look as it had before everything had changed. How many memories did he have of time spent joking and laughing here? How many nights had he and the Void stayed up here while the Apex children slept. Seeing the room, frozen like a time capsule from before the Void’s betrayal filled him with rage.

Tentatively he stepped inside and walked over to the Void’s vanity, still covered in it’s things. He snatched a photo from the mirror, a Polaroid picture of the two from before their separation from the Apex. The white section on the bottom was captioned in the Void’s handwriting, it had written, “Grace + Simon Apex Forever” on the photo. Simon sneered at the caption and stuffed the photo in his pocket.

“Apex, take everything you can and bring it to the specified location.” he ordered, stepping out of the room and allowing for the children to rip apart the room and hopefully all of the memories that came with it. The children did as they were told grabbing clothes, furniture, anything that wasn’t bolted down, and some things that were. They took their gathered items and placed them at the line that Simon had specified with tape as the Void line. “Anyone who crosses this line without explicit permission has sided with the Void and thus will be dealt with like one.” Simon had said to the children after he’d marked the line with tape. It was yet another one of his tactics and as he stood just on the other side of the line as the children dropped the former possession of the Void at his feet he made sure they knew he was watching for anyone who failed to follow his rules. As the items slowly stopped coming one of the older Apex kids addressed him.

“That's everything sir.” he said. Simon nodded.

“Very good. Apex, leave this area and do not disturb me. There will be consequences for those who do.” he warned. The children scurried off and Simon grabbed a lighter that he’d found around the car that had given him the idea. He walked into the Void’s prison to inform it of his plans. “Rise and shine, Void.” Simon said to it before opening the shutters. The Void shielded it’s eyes, Simon purposefully kept the Void’s prison dark in order to disorient it. “What’s the matter? Not used to the glorious light of the Apex since you joined up with the Nulls?” he admonished.

“What’s going on? Is that my stuff?” the Void asked after seeing it’s items in a large pile outside of its prison.

“Oh that stuff? That is property of the Apex, Void’s don’t have possessions. Though you won’t have to worry about it for much longer, it’s about to become firewood.” he explained. The Void’s distress at the thought pleased him. “What’s wrong Void? Were you hoping to keep some of this stuff? You deserve far less than what you already have.” he said gesturing to the Void’s prison.

“Simon please don’t do this.” the Void begged. Simon kicked the wall near the Void to watch it flinch, the Void obliged as always.

“What have I told you about referring to me by that name Void! You’re lucky I don’t burn you along with all of your shit! Now shut up, accept your punishment and be happy that I’ve only granted you a small portion of the hell you put me through!” he screamed. The Void cried silently. “Much better.” Simon said with a smile. He exited the Void’s prison and stared at it through the opened shutters to ensure it could see what happened next. Simon ignited the lighter and tossed it into the pile of the Void’s items watching with satisfaction as all of it caught aflame and began burning.

Satisfied he walked back into the Void’s prison to ensure that it was enjoying the show as much as he was. The Void turned it’s face away from the pile and cried. Angry at the Void’s refusal to watch he forcefully grabbed the Void’s face and turned it towards the burning pile. “As your personal god I order you to watch Void. Watch the desecration of all of the material things you loved and understand that this is what you’ve earned.” he said. The Void shook its head and tried to look away.

“I don’t want to watch this.” The Void said through gritted teeth. Simon put his face close to the Void’s.

“That’s fine.” he said pleasantly. Another trick, another switch of the mask, another choice to leave the Void off balance. He fished the photo that he’d stolen from the Void’s room out of his pocket and showed it off. “Do you remember when we took this photo?” he asked. He waited patiently for the Void to respond. Eventually it did.

“Yes.” the Void spoke. A one word answer. A start.

“That was a pretty fun day wasn’t it? I can’t believe Tyler ate a whole pizza by himself.” Simon said casually. The Void responded.

“And then he threw up all over your shoes.” the Void added.

“I know, I was so mad!” he said laughing. Cautiously the Void began laughing too at the memory. Simon’s face went dark as he took out the lighter and set the photo ablaze as the Void watched in shock. “You are filth. Everything that you touch, everything that holds your memories must burn.” he said darkly as he stood up and stared down at the Void. “You are a disease and like a child with scarlet fever everything that you hold dear must be made clean in flame.” he added before gesturing to the now far smaller pile of the Void’s things, much of it having burned to ash.

“I thought we were-” the Void began.

“You thought we were what Void? Reminiscing? Taking a stroll down memory lane? You are my prisoner, my enemy, a disease the train sent me to eradicate.” The Void pushed back on this.

“That’s not true! We were best friends Simon!” Simon heard ringing in his ears at the Void saying those words to him. Best friends. The Void was nothing, a parasite, a disease that needed to be reminded of its standing. He reeled back and slapped the Void as hard as he could, reveling in the Void’s exclamation of pain upon the palm of his hand connecting with it’s skin and at the sound of skin violently connecting with the soft flesh of the Void’s face.

“You bitch!” the Void exclaimed. Simon looked down at his hand and clenched his fists. He had all the power here, the Void was nothing. The energy that tingled through him upon realizing he truly held all of the power over the Void who could only stare at him with pain and shock exhilarated him so much he couldn’t even find it in him to be mad at the Void referring to him by that term.

“I won’t hesitate to do it again Void.” he said coldly. He did his best to look as unaffected as he possibly could and not awestruck by the realization of the established power dynamic. “You have nothing in this world, no allies, no possessions,” he gestured towards the smoldering pile. “All you have is me, your savior, your tormentor. I suggest you get comfortable listening to me.” he smirked at this and once again got close to the Void.

The Void didn’t look at him. What a great moment to teach it a lesson. “Look at me Void. Or face the consequences.” he said coldly. The Void hesitated for a moment before turning to look him in the eyes. “Maybe you are good for something after all.” he said with a smile. “Now I hope you enjoyed your little bit of light because you likely won’t get anymore at least not for a while.” He walked over and closed the shutters leaving the prison dark outside of the door which he would be closing as he exited.

‘Why are you doing this to me?” the Void asked him. There was pain in its voice.

“Because you betrayed the Apex-” the Void cut him off. He considered punishing the Void for such insolence but chose instead to listen to the Void’s question.

“Why are you doing this to me?” it asked again. Simon tried offering a different answer this time.

“Because I hate you. Is that the answer you were looking for? The truth is I don’t hate you. I can’t hate you anymore than I could hate a microscopic organism. I don’t hate you because I feel nothing for you, Void.” he answered. “I’ll be back to deliver your meal.” Simon always delivered the Void it’s food personally on his bad days. He gave the Void another smile before leaving and closing the door of the prison behind him. “Apex!” Simon called. The children rushed over and stood at attention. “Clean this mess up.” he said gesturing to the formless pile of burned objects. 

“Yes sir Simon sir.” they responded as they began to do just that. Simon walked back over towards his room still contemplating how good it had been to exert that kind of power over the Void. He was strong and it was so very weak. Still while physically hurting the Void felt good in the moment it was junk food. A burst of dopamine with no real substance behind it. He would have to only do it on occasion so as not to numb the Void to the surprise of it all, which was half the fun of doing it. The true satisfaction however would come from inflicting psychological pain to the Void, and watching the Void’s reaction as he switched from acting friendly to burning the photo had certainly met that quota for the day. All things considered, today had been a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently imprisoning your former friend just really makes you want to burn their stuff


	3. Cold Breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is humiliation and dehumanization in this chapter.

Grace hated this. She’d never been afraid of the dark but she couldn’t help feeling anxious whenever her sliver of light was cut off and she was left alone with nothing but her thoughts and she’d silently beg for the light to return. And when it did she’d pray for it to go away because the return of the light meant the return of Simon. No, the return of the person she wasn’t even allowed to call Simon. The person who wore her best friend's face like a mask and used that mask to soften her before reminding her that he wasn’t to be trusted. The person who’d hit her, who called her a void, who burned her stuff.

Who’d burned the only picture of the two of them. That had been yesterday, or at least Grace assumed it had been yesterday. Time meant almost nothing on the train and it meant even less now that Grace spent almost every hour of everyday locked in a single unlit room. She strained against her restraints even though she knew they wouldn’t budge. This Simon knew how to tie a knot she’d give him that, he’d been in scouts. She cursed herself for knowing that, for remembering things Simon had told her when she’d believed that they’d always love each other.

She was furious that she couldn’t hate Simon as much as she wanted to. She wanted the mere sound of his voice to fill her with a violent rage. She wanted the sight of his smug face that looked at her as if she was no more important than dirt on the bottom of his shoe to make her want to rip his throat out. She wanted to not feel that little bit of love that still filled her with the stupid hope that one of these times the door to her prison would open and the Simon who she cared for would be there and this would all be a sad sick dream. Grace felt like a wounded animal but at least a wounded animal might try and fight back against the hunter who’d wounded it.

Grace felt drained. “I don’t really think there’s a good analogy for being betrayed by your best friend.” Grace thought to herself and how could there be. How could a quick simple phrase contain the suffering and sadness and heartbreak of the person who you’d trusted with your life hating you with such passion that they’d dedicated themself to hurting you. Occasionally Grace considered the idea that Simon was right, and that she’d somehow earned this but those thoughts died quickly. She didn’t deserve this, no one did. Grace didn’t know what she feared more, Simon, or the fact that she couldn’t hate him the way he hated her. She heard the door open and looked up to see Simon standing there.

“Good morning Void.” he said to her. His voice was full of hate and it made Grace sick to her stomach. Though that might have just been the hunger. “I brought your food.” he said coldly. He tossed it at her and the paper plate’s contents splattered all over her face. Grace scrapped some of whatever food it was off of her eyes. “It’s oatmeal, your favorite.” he said pleasantly. 

“My favorite breakfast food is waffles.” Grace corrected. Simon stared daggers at her and entered the room further.

“Your favorite food is whatever I give you because you’ll eat it and like it or you’ll starve.” he said coldly. Grace was starving but she refused to eat oatmeal out of her hair, at least not in front of him. That was what he wanted and at the very least she could refuse him that. He crouched down to her level and grabbed her face in his hands. She bit him. Simon stood up quickly and held his hand. “Fucking Void! You’re going to pay for this!” he yelled at her.

“You would have made me pay for it anyway.” Grace pointed out. Simon glared at her before his expression softened to one that was nicer. It almost reminded her of the Simon in her memories, almost. He took a deep breath.

“It’s okay. Let’s move on, how was your day today Void?” he asked. Grace chose not to dignify the question with a response. “Giving me the silent treatment Void? That’s okay.” he said, the fake niceness in his voice slipping for a second. “I’ll tell you what, you look awful. I mean you really let yourself go. I remember you used to be the most vain creature on the train. And now look at you.” Simon shook his head. “How the mighty have fallen.” he said with fake sadness in his voice. Grace wanted to scream at him, to tell him that in the eight years she’d known him Simon had never taken care of his appearance and that when they’d met she’d had to practically cajole him into showering.

She wanted to yell at him that he’d burned all of the things she’d spent eight years collecting to keep herself reaching the stands of hygiene that she had set. She wanted to cry that she’d been locked in this dark room for god knew how long and that he had no right to comment on her appearance when he’d done this to her. Instead she said nothing. “Well don’t worry Void. I’ll be happy to help you out.” there was something sinister in his voice, something dark and dangerous about the way Simon said help.

“I don’t want any of your help.” she said. Simon shook his head before looking back to her.

“It’s a good thing I don’t care about your opinion then.” he said before walking off and returning with a cart full of water balloons. “I thought this would be fun for you.” Simon said in a way that indicated that she wasn’t who this would be fun for. He chucked one at her and it broke as it hit her face exploding soap and water into her eyes. “How about another?” Simon asked laughing as Grace struggled to catch her breath, the wind being knocked out of her as a seemingly endless barrage of water balloons pelted her, the soap burning her eyes and leaving her dripping with water.

He walked back into the room seemingly satisfied with having perverted what was supposed to be a fun childhood game. “I don’t know about you but I thought that was great. Plus, you’re all clean now Void.” Grace strained against her restraints, if she could just get out, maybe she could do something, anything, to make this stop. Maybe this was all some awful dream or coma and all she had to do was get out of the things holding her and she could wake up.

“I’m going to get out of here.” she said, determined. Simon laughed.

“I highly doubt that, but you're welcome to try. Besides even if you did get out you think you’d be able to escape the car? Everyone in the Apex knows that you're merely an infestation, so we’d catch you pretty quickly. And even if you got out of the car, you think that would stop me?” he got close to Grace’s face again. “One way or another you will pay for your betrayal of the Apex, for your betrayal of me. If you ever escape this car I will make sure you never know another moment of peace.” he said seriously before getting up to leave the room once again. “Do you want me to bring you some more oatmeal Void?” he asked. Grace wanted to say no, to tell him that she didn’t want anything from him, that she didn’t need him and that she hated him. But she was starving and she needed to eat.

“Yes.” she said quietly. Simon walked out and closed the door behind him. The darkness enveloped Grace again and she was almost relieved. Simon managed to make both the darkness and the light hell. Simon managed to make her life hell. She was all alone now, even though she was in a car full of people, Grace was alone. She didn’t know what else to do, didn’t know what else could be done, so she cried. Grace cried because a part of her wished that she died in her tape, that she’d stayed there and never escaped.

Grace wanted to be a better person. She understood that the things that she’d done were wrong. She understood she needed to make things right, to correct her mistakes. But how could she ever do that if she couldn’t even decide if she hated the person that was torturing her. Grace wished that she could check her number, to see if going through hell had somehow been worth it because she was becoming a better person but she still had her gloves on and the way she was restrained made checking her number an impossibility.

All she could do was sit there, hungry and soaking wet and sobbing over everything that had led her to that moment. A small intrusive part of her wondered if maybe doing the right thing had been wrong. If maybe she should have just agreed with Simon even though she knew it was wrong. Or if she should have gone against Simon a long time ago and prevented any of this. Grace had done the right thing at the wrong time and now she was tired and scared and more alone than she’d ever been. She heard the door open again and Simon walked in with more oatmeal, this time in a bowl. He put it in front of her.

“Eat.” he said. It sounded more like a command than an offer. Grace fruitlessly strained against her restraints once again.

“I can’t, I don’t have a spoon and even if I did I couldn’t hold it.” Grace explained tiredly. Simon stared at her.

“Stick your face in it and eat it that way Void.” he said. Grace shook her head.

“I’m not going to eat it like a fucking animal.” she replied angrily.

“Being an animal would be an upgrade for you Void. Eat it, don’t eat it, I don’t care. But you don’t get more food until you finish it, so figure it out.” As Simon left he slammed the door behind him and Grace jumped at the sudden loud sound. Grace’s stomach rumbled desperately and she stared down at the bowl. Silent tears fell down her face as she did what Simon had recommended. She sat there soaking wet and ate the oatmeal the best way she could. This is what she’d been reduced to, what her former best friend had reduced her to. At that moment, Grace thought again hoping that this new low would conjure in her the type of hatred for Simon she longed to feel. She kept crying as the hatred refused to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From Grace's POV this time. I'll switch back and forth between them.


	4. The Mind's Poison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is dehumanization in this chapter

Simon had dreamed about the Void. This hadn’t been uncommon before he learned about the Void’s true nature. When he still believed it’s lies Simon had dreamed of the Void often. Generally those dreams consisted of him and the Void spending time together, being close, being best friends. This was the first time he’d dreamed of the Void since it’s betrayal however and Simon was deeply displeased with the contents of the dream.

He and the Void had been standing next to each other in the middle of a bridge. On one side of the bridge there was safety, light. On the other a dark endless abyss. The Void had walked towards the abyss, naturally drawn to it. He looked towards the light naturally and began moving towards safety. The Void had grabbed him, had begged him to please follow it. The Void had promised that this was the right way even if it was difficult to see. He’d listened, trusted the Void, walked towards the abyss with it. Simon had woken up before he’d seen the conclusion of the dream and he was thankful for it.

The Void was nothing, insignificant and the fact that his subconscious seemed to be trying to tell him otherwise infuriated him. The implication that he should have listened to the Void despite his own self-interest, the implication that had the dream continued the Void would have been proven right was something he knew to be false. Long gone were the days where he would obsess over earning the Void’s favor, over being close to the Void. He had everything he could ever want, power, infamy, the highest number besides that stooge of the false conductor. So why did his mind torment him with dreams of following the Void once again?

That dream had been a rough start to Simon’s day and as it went on it was clear that today would be one of his bad days. Thoughts of the dream, it’s meaning, it’s conclusion, filled his mind. Thoughts of the Void consumed him and the day went by in a veritable haze as he desperately tried to rationalize his dream with his new reality. By the middle of the day what had to be done was clear. Simon ascended the escalator to make an announcement to the Apex children. “Apex, I will be consulting with the Void today. Do not disturb me.” he announced. Below him countless children murmured.

“Consulting with the Void? Is Simon going to talk to her? Is Grace still evil?” they whispered. If Simon had not been so wrapped up with the fears concerning the Void’s infection of his dreams he might have scolded their children for their use of the Void’s false name, but there were far more pressing matters. Simon would be having a conversation with the Void, not simply attempting to break it. Simon believed that this would be far more difficult.

“You are all dismissed.” Simon announced before descending the escalator and walking to the Void’s quarters. By this point he was sure the Void had something to do with his dream. It wasn’t possible that despite achieving his goals his own mind would still long for a relationship with the Void similar to the one he’d had before. The only explanation was that somehow the Void had infected him, perhaps in an attempt to weaken him and use this weakness to secure its own escape. He wouldn’t allow that, he’d make the Void admit to it’s crimes and pay for them. He burst into the Void’s prison with a purpose in mind. “What have you done, Void?” he asked seriously. The Void looked up at him tired.

“What are you talking about?” it asked him with no cynicism in it’s voice. This was clearly one of the Void’s tricks, it had to be.

“You infected my dreams with your presence, created a scenario in which I followed you. How and why Void?” he demanded. The Void stared at him as if he was utter ludacris.

“Simon, are you high? I infected your dreams? What the fuck does that even mean? I’m a person Simon-” he cut off the Void lies.

“Don’t call me Simon. And you are a Void-” the Void cut him off this time.

“No. I’m not. Void’s aren't real, that’s a thing you made up. Did you forget that Simon? Did you forget that you literally had to look in a book and pick a word and decide what it meant and assign me that term? There are no Voids, you invented them to make yourself feel better.” the Void said to him. That was a lie, it had to be, yes Simon had coined the term but that didn’t change her no, it’s Void status.

“Your lying Void. This,” he gestured around the Void’s prison, “Is real. Voids, nulls, all only seek to drag you down. I won’t let you.” the Void looked at him frustrated.

“There you go again. A null isn’t a real thing. It’s something we made up together to describe people we didn’t like. Giving a person a different name doesn’t change the fact that they’re a person. I’m a person, Simon. Not a parasite, not a disease, not a Void. I was your best friend.” The Void stared at him with those same brown eyes she no, it always had. This was wrong, all of this was wrong. The Void was wrong, the Void was always wrong. Why was Grace no, it making sense?

“You betrayed the Apex-” The Void cut him off again.

“No. I didn’t. I loved the Apex kids, I wanted to keep them safe, I always wanted to keep them safe. All that happened was that I realized I was keeping them safe the wrong way. Me loving them, wanting to protect them, never changed Simon. This isn’t about the Apex, you aren’t mad at that, this is about you being mad at me.” The Void assessed.

“You betrayed me then!” he yelled at the Void. He wanted this to stop, and he could stop it whenever he wanted. But he didn’t, he’d come in here for a conversation and he was getting one, even if he didn’t like the results so far. He listened to Grace’s- the Void’s rebuttal.

“Maybe. But even when I was afraid, even after you went against me, even after it was clear you resented me, I stayed by your side Simon. I never left you, you left me. That has to count for something.” The Void wouldn’t look at him now.

“You left me mentally. You went against everything we stood for. You changed for the worse. You made it impossible for me to stay by your side and thus forced the end of any perceived friendship we had.” Simon shot back, that was true, he knew that was true. Grace- the Void had no control over him anymore. The Void had chosen it’s own incorrect ideals over the Apex, over him, that was what made it a Void.

“That’s a lie! I had a choice and so did you. I changed for the better and you always had the choice to do the same Simon! You can blame me for a lot of things, for choosing denizens over you, for believing Amelia, for changing. But you cannot blame me for us drifting apart. If you made better choices we would still be on the same side, but you didn’t! It’s not my fault you refused to admit that the things we came up with when we were scared kids might have been incorrect.” the Void asserted. Simon couldn’t think straight. The Void was wrong, the Apex, Voids, nulls, all of those things were correct. They had to be. He refused to consider any other possibility.

The Void simply wanted to fill his head with the lies it believed. So why did the Void’s words cut so badly? Why did the idea that he and Void could have stayed on the same side fill his heart with longing? The Void had betrayed him, betrayed the Apex, it was a parasite, an infestation-.Simon couldn’t even finish his own thought. He sat with his back to the Void and let silent tears fall down his face. The Void had won. It had filled his mind with it’s poison.

When he’d cry like this in the past the Void had put it’s hand on his shoulder and comforted him. He felt bitterness and anger well up inside him when it didn’t this time. Simon wiped the tears from his eyes. They were weakness and he was not weak. He was not the Void, the Void was weak and he was strong. It’s poison receded from his mind as he stood and looked down upon it. This was how things should be. Everything the Void had said was a falsehood.

“If you want to scare me Void you’ll have to stop telling such unconvincing lies.” he said as he stared it down. It had no power anymore. It never had. The Void stared back at him.

“If you want to scare me you’ll have to stop believing them.” it shot back. There it was again, that seed of doubt the Void was great at planting. But unlike before he was prepared for it, he could stop it from growing any further, nip it in the bud. Kill it’s roots and spores before the disease it carried spread any further. He looked down at the Void putting his face close to it.

“Let’s imagine that you’re right. You did the right thing, you acted like you were supposed to. And what did that get you? Locked in prison by the villain of your story, abandoned by the person who you changed for, all alone in a cold little cell answering to me. For your sake I hope you’re wrong, at least if you're the villain you can go on believing in karmic justice. If you're right all you’ve proved is how unfair life is.” he smirked at the Void who stared at him at a loss for words. “This talk has been very illuminating, thank you Void.” he said. The Void asked him one more question before he left.

“Are you happy Simon?” he pretended not to hear it before leaving the room. Simon felt more secure in his position than he ever had. He’d killed the Void’s lies, given himself the antidote to it’s poison. The Void preyed on weakness and Simon would never give it access to that weakness again. He was the divine ruler of this train and no level of the Void’s blasphemy would halt his reign. Despite his objections, that night Simon had the same dream. Ignoring the bubbling feeling of regret in his chest Simon shoved it down and ignored it. He would not allow himself to be tortured by his own mind. The only way forward was to double down on his ideals lest he end up like the Void; scared and alone and utterly unhappy. Nothing like himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grace calls Simon out on his bullshit and Simon refuses to learn


	5. Clean Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is physical violence a broken bone in this chapter

Grace was finished. She wasn't sure how long she'd been kept here but it had felt like years. In reality it couldn't have been more than a month, based on the number of meals she'd had. Either way Grace was done. "I'm getting out of here." Grace had decided at some indeterminate hour of what she thought was the night. Though, she had no way to be sure. Moreover she had no plan of escape. After all if it had been easy she would have done it a long time ago. Still, Grace was getting out of here. Tonight. She scanned the room for anything that could loosen her restraints but found nothing.

She tried hard to conjure up anything that would be useful to her in this situation. Her hands were bound by handcuffs which themselves were bound to a pole behind her head with a well knotted rope. Her legs were in a similar situation. Her parents had always been really worried about her being kidnapped and ransomed for money so she remembered having classes dedicated to teaching her how to escape a kidnapping. Unfortunately, Grace had blocked out everything taught to her in those classes.

"Okay what did they tell me about escaping handcuffs?" she asked herself, racking her brain. Then it came to her. She'd need to make a key. Contorting her hands the best she could, Grace managed to reach toward her head and grabbed a bobby pin that rested safely in her hair. Pulling it out she did the best she could to recreate the shape that had been shown to her as the handcuff key. "Now the hard part." Grace thought as she did her best to navigate the key to the hole while being in the dark and completely unaware of where it was.

Eventually she did manage to find the hole and when she did she desperately twisted the key inside hoping to hear that click she knew would coincide with her freedom. Then she heard it. The cuffs popped open and Grace freed her hands taking time to examine the indents that the restraints had left on them. After freeing her legs Grace took a moment to assess the next part of her plan.

"How am i going to get out of here?" she asked herself. She didn't know the time so there was a fifty fifty chance she was either going to walk into a crowd of children or into an empty car. But it was better to take her chance now before she lost it. She tried the door only to realize it was locked. Of course it was. Picking the bobby pin back up she picked the doors lock and peaked out. The car seemed empty, and quiet. It was likely night, the children were asleep. This was her chance. Cautiously Grace crept through the car towards the exit, she was close, so close. The exit was in sight all she had to do was reach-. Grace's internal monologue was caught off by the words of another person.

"Going somewhere, Void?" Simon asked. Grace spun around. There was no way Simon was letting her leave without a fight and being tied up for so long had put Grace out of practice. But still, she could take Simon, probably. Grace took a swing at him which Simon dodged. Grace was counting on that as she kneed him in the stomach. Simon staggered back. "Alright Void, you asked for this." he said with that shit-eating grin Grace hated. He took a swing at Grace which grazed her face only to follow up with a punch from the other direction which connected with her cheek. Grace held the side of her face before knocking Simon's legs from under him causing him to fall onto his back. She put a foot on his chest.

"Still got it Grace." she told herself as she looked down at him. "I'm leaving." she said seriously. Simon simply shook his head.

"Apex, capture the Void!" he yelled. Seemingly from nowhere the Apex children descended upon her capturing her once again as they'd done when she first arrived. What awful déjà vu. Simon smirked at her now.

"Do you feel good about your escape attempt Void? Do you feel like that went well?" He asked. Grace rolled her eyes and gave back an equally snarky retort.

"Not really. But I do feel good that even at my weakest point you couldn't beat me without the help of some kids." she shot back. Simon glared at her.

"You do realize that the consequences for your escape attempt will be severe." he said seriously. Grace rolled her eyes.

"Let me take a swing at what the consequences will be; you'll knock me out, tie me back up, monologue at me, do something physically awful to me to make yourself feel better. And then I'll escape again." Grace responded coldly. She'd grown numb to the fear of Simon she once had, she couldn't stand him, but he wasn't scary to her, at least not anymore. Simon smiled at her in a way that almost wanted to take back her thoughts about him not scaring her anymore.

"Oh you insignificant foolish Void. Let me explain to you what is going to happen. Your consequence will ensure that you never escape again." Simon explained. Grace looked at him concerned.

"What do you mean?" she asked, trying not to let the hint of fear seep into her voice. That was what he wanted, and she didn't want to give it to him. He reached out and touched her face in a way that was somewhere in between threatening and comforting. It made Grace want to vomit.

"Goodnight Void." he said. Grace woke up back in her prison. At the very least she was sure Simon had knocked her out using something chemical rather than blunt force trauma again so that was a relief at least. He stood in the corner of her prison, seemingly waiting for her to wake up. When he noticed her stirring he turned to make eye contact with her. There was something in those eyes that made Grace uneasy. Or, more uneasy than she already was. He continued staring at her and Grace decided to be the first one to speak.

"So, it looks like the first half of my prediction was right. Why don't you start monologueing so we can get this over with." she did her best to sound bored rather than frightened. Simon walked towards her and stared her up and down before starting to talk.

"You took ballet lessons as a kid, right?" he asked. Grace looked at him dumbfounded.

"What does that have to do with anything?" she responded. Simon was unfazed by her lack of an answer and continued.

"I don't know anything about ballet myself but I could tell by the way you used to move during raids. Your little spins and twirls or whatever." he said. "Plus I think I can remember you mentioning it once or twice." Simon hadn't said anything awful but the way he spoke about her, and their past, made her nervous. She didn't like that he'd studied her, that he remembered things about her, things she'd told him. "Well anyway I guess there's no use in beating around the bush. I'm sure you're curious about your punishment anyway." he said staring at her again, searching for any response. Grace decided to give him one.

"Why don't you skip the dramatics and call me a Void or whatever." she said utterly done with Simon's theatrics. He nodded.

"Okay; I'm going to break your leg Void." he said casually. Grace felt like she was going to pass out, her mouth dried and she looked at Simon for any indication that this was a scare tactic. She found none.

"What?" she asked hoping that she'd heard wrong. Simon clarified.

"I'm going to kick you, incredibly hard, while wearing these." he gestured to his anti-gravity boots. They were fairly heavy, and made of metal. "According to the book I read a good sideways kick to the knee should be good enough. A pretty effective way to ensure you don't escape again, Void." he explained. Grace didn't even have time to consider the implications of what she'd been told as Simon quickly reeled back and delivered on his promise.

The first thing that Grace hated was the pain. It was so sharp and so concentrated in that one area that it felt more like she'd lost a leg than simply had it broken. The second thing Grace hated was the sound. That sharp loud crack that came to indicate that, yes, it was broken. That sound you know isn't supposed to come from your body. The third thing she hated was how it looked. Her leg wasn't bent out of shape or anything thank god but it quickly swelled and it looked awful. The fourth thing she hated was the shock of it all. She felt like the room was spinning and everything felt wrong. She looked at Simon. He looked pleased. She felt something well up inside her as she stared down at her leg which she was unable to even clutch due to having been re-captured. The words poured out of her like a river.

"I hate you." she said as she stared into those awful, cold eyes that didn't care for her and maybe never had. She started at Simon Laurent and wanted him dead. She wanted nothing more than to take his life right then and there. It was as close to a comfort as Grace could have, knowing that she now hated Simon just like he hated her. Hearing her statement Simon looked at Grace again.

"You were such a beautiful dancer. But considering that the level of medical attention that leg will be receiving I don't think it will heal correctly. I doubt you'll ever dance again, at least, you'll never dance like you used to." he stated casually. There was no compassion in his eyes, no love, no friendship. There was bitter hatred. Grace returned the look.

"I will kill you." she said fighting back the stinging tears of pain that tried to come. She wasn't going to cry in front of him. He wasn't going to win this. Simon smiled at her.

"Good luck with that." he offered. He bent down and put his face closer to her's. "You're never getting out of here Void." he added before walking out of the room. Grace sobbed as soon as she was sure he couldn't hear her. Her leg hurt so badly. Simon's words had hurt even more. Somehow he'd taken away from her the one thing she'd taken from her old life, the one thing she'd maintained. Over the course of eight years she'd managed to prevent the train from taking that one little comfort from her. And Simon Laurent had done it. She decided she'd kill him for it, someday somehow, she'd kill Simon Laurent. As Grace continued to sob she decided that day wasn't today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grace officially wants to see Simon dead so..progress?


	6. Selflessness In Selfishness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is dehumanization, emotionally manipulation, and non-consensual drug use in this chapter

After Simon had doled out the Void’s punishment for it’s attempted escape he’d gone back to bed. After all, the Void had almost escaped in the middle of the night, he’d been resting and he wanted to return to it. Simon didn’t sleep much before he was woken again, this time not by the sounds of the Void’s escape but by his own dreams. Simon had dreamed of the Void once again and he considered it worse than his first. At least that dream had been a bit obtuse, and he hadn’t been forced to see the conclusion. This time his subconscious gave him no such mercy.

The dream had been odd for it lacked context for how it began. He and the Void sat next to each other on a stone bench in a garden. The Void was crying about something, he wasn’t sure what. But he knew he’d been the cause. He’d held the Void and he’d spoken to it as he did. Simon wanted to vomit when remembering what this dream facsimile of himself had said. “Grace, Grace I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I’ll never do it again.” or something to that effect. He’d even used the Void's false name. His mind was not subtle and Simon had never felt more disgusted with himself. And yet when he’d woken from the dream he’d been crying. No matter how much he hated the Void, how much it disgusted him, he couldn’t escape the fact that he longed for the connection he’d had with it before. Simon considered the question the Void had posed to him that he’d ignored.

“Are you happy?” it had asked him. Simon knew that the answer was no. He dragged himself out of bed frustrated at his conflicted feelings. Checking the time he could see it had only been less than an hour since he’d last interacted with the Void. Since he’d… Simon's thoughts trailed off as he reminded himself that the Void deserved it. He told himself that had the Void not attempted to escape it wouldn’t have happened, that it had forced his hand. Still, Simon understood his mind. The last time he dreamed of the Void he was tormented until confronting those feelings. Simon knew that he’d have to once again see the Void. He wouldn’t apologize, he’d done nothing wrong. But, he knew how to set a broken leg. Maybe if he did this one thing he could go back to being ambivalent about the Void as he should be.

He pulled himself out of his room and walked towards the infirmary doing his best to be quiet. If he could barely comprehend why he was helping the Void he had no clue as to how he’d explain it to the Apex children. It had been awhile since he’d made a splint but the memory of how to do it was still there. He grabbed a towel, gauze and medical tape before making his way to the Void’s prison. He stood outside the door awkwardly. “Why am I doing this?” he asked himself. Simon couldn’t find an answer. Inside he could hear the Void crying. It reminded him of his dream. Cautiously, he opened the door. What he said had been involuntary but he’d said it nonetheless.

“Grace, are you okay?” he hadn’t meant to refer to the Void by it’s false name but it had slipped out. The Void looked up at him, tears still in its eyes along with hatred. Right, Simon had forgotten that the Void had promised to end his life.

“You broke my fucking leg what the hell do you think?” it spit out at him. Simon wanted to be furious at the Void for being mad at him but whatever weakness that conjured images of it in his mind while he slept refused to allow him to. “Did you come to break the other one too?” it asked him. Simon walked into the room still holding the supplies he’d procured from the infirmary. 

“I came to help you.” he said honestly. The Void looked at him like it didn’t trust him as far as it could throw him. 

“I don’t want any of your fucking help.” The Void retorted. It did it’s best to move away from him, something that wasn’t really possible due to its circumstances. Simon shook his head and walked closer.

“Well, I’m helping you anyway.” he said seriously as he sat in front of the Void. He rolled the towel and cushioned it with gauze and began to move it closer to the Void’s broken leg.

“Don’t touch me!” it yelled at him attempting to move it’s leg away unsuccessfully. Simon allowed the Void to do this before speaking to it.

“Grace, just let me put a splint on it. Then you can hate me all you want with two working legs.” the Void glared at him.

“No! You don’t get to do this! You don’t get to hurt me and remind me of exactly what you're taking from me and laugh and leave me here only to come back an hour later to fix it! You don’t get to hurt me and then come back and play the good guy and make me seem irrational! You did this to me!” Grace yelled at him. There were tears in her eyes. Simon didn’t want to look, nor did he want to acknowledge that even his own internal monologue had used the Void’s false name.

“I'm sorry okay? Is that what you want to hear? Well I’m not and even if I was it wouldn’t matter so just let me do this!” he said frustrated. The Void geared up to give a response but while it was distracted Simon pressed the towel to it’s leg and quickly attached it with medical tape. The pressure of the splint against it’s broken leg would severely reduce the Void’s pain and he could tell it had by the small sigh of relief that escaped the Void after he’d finished. “Do you feel better now?” he asked. The Void continued glaring at him.

“I still hate you, if that's what you're asking.” the Void responded. Simon ignored the concoction of feelings that stirred in him and rolled his eyes.

“It wasn’t what I was asking, I just want to know about your leg.” the Void refused to meet his eyes. Simon assumed that meant the answer was that it felt better and the Void didn’t want to admit it. Fine. “When was the last time you slept?” he asked, noticing the bags under the Void’s eyes.

“When was the last time I slept or when was the last time you knocked me unconscious because those are two different answers.” it responded snarkily. Simon preferred snark to indignation so he didn’t admonish the Void for being sarcastic.

“The last time you slept.” Simon specified. The Void rolled it’s eyes.

“I don’t know, like a week. For some reason I haven’t really been feeling comfortable or safe enough to sleep. I don't know why.” It responded annoyed. “Maybe it’s the whole being held against my will thing.” the Void added. Simon chose to ignore the Void’s cutting remark.

“That’s not healthy for you.” he responded. The Void stared daggers at his “concern” for its health.

“It's crazy that you care about what’s healthy for me considering you broke my fucking leg.” it retorted. “Besides, I’m not going to sleep around you. Considering how little you care about what I want I don’t trust you not to do some sick shit.” it said coldly. Simon was offended by the accusation.

“Please, you’re not worth my time. Though I admire your commitment to being utterly narcissistic.” he said sarcastically. The Void gave him that look that indicated it wanted to end his life again. “I’ll be back in a second.” Simon said, leaving the prison. He considered his options for a moment. He’d done what he set out to do, he’d helped the Void. He didn’t need to do anymore, he shouldn’t do anymore, but the Void needed to rest if it’s leg was ever to return to a usable state. Sighing, he walked towards the infirmary and made preparations before returning to the Void’s prison. 

“You’re back.” The Void sounded more angered by the development than anything.

“I said I would be.” Simon responded. The Void ignored him. “I brought you waffles.” he added. The Void shot daggers at him.

“Hell no.” it said, simply refusing to look at him.

“I haven’t asked you anything.” Simon responded confused. The Void looked at him with hatred.

“Hell no to this. You don’t get to play the hero and you sure as fuck don’t get to come in here with my favorite food and act like everything’s cool! You are a violent and deeply unstable person who has hurt me multiple times! I’m not going to chill with you because you helped set the leg that you broke and brought me food! I’m not going to play pretend with you to soothe your guilt!” it said venomously. Simon rolled his eyes and approached the Void.

“I didn’t ask to be friends or play pretend or whatever. To keep being alive you need to eat. I brought you food. That was the end of my thought process.” Simon responded defending himself. “And I don’t feel guilty because I didn’t do anything wrong.” Simon said to the Void. It glared at him once again.

“Bullshit. You don’t even believe that.” it said. Simon shook his head and offered the Void the waffles.

“Just eat.” he said, tired of this conversation. The Void shook its head at him.

“I’m not eating in front of you.” it said seriously. Simon let out a groan.

“Do you always have to make things so goddamn difficult? Can’t you just eat the food or do you want me force feed you like a whiny kid?” Simon stared the Void down, daring it to test him. The Void seemingly conceded. Simon slightly loosened the knot on the rope keeping the Void’s handcuffs to the wall, allowing the Void enough slack to reach the food but not much else. It did it’s best to look angry at him as it ate but the Void failed to conceal its joy at having waffles. After it had finished Simon tightened its bonds once more and took the empty plate standing up and looking down at the Void. “I’m going to tell you something that’s going to make you upset.” he said seriously. The Void stared at him annoyed and confused.

“There is nothing you could say to make me hate you anymore than I already do.” the Void asserted. Simon tried to hold back a smile at the Void’s insistence. 

“You need to sleep. So, I put sleeping pills in your food.” he said casually. The Void seemed to pause for a moment considering what it had just learned before becoming overwhelmingly angry.

“You motherfucker! You fucking drugged me! Are you serious?” the Void screamed at him. Simon simply nodded, enjoying the Void’s frustration. “I’m going to fucking kill you Simon!” it yelled at him. That was fine, he’d allow the Void to tire itself out.

“It was for your own good.” he said simply. 

“You don’t care about what’s good for me! You just get joy out of having power over me! You're an awful person and I hate you!” It screamed. Simon exhaled.

“Yeah, I know.” he said with a strange amount of fondness in his voice. “Goodnight Grace.” He used the Void’s false name purposefully that time, he knew how much that infuriated it. He closed the door behind him secure in the knowledge that both he and the Void would be getting a good night’s rest, even if the Void would no doubt use it’s dreams to plan his murder. Simon still wasn’t sure why he’d helped the Void despite its clear hatred of him. Perhaps he did still care for the Void in a strange way. Maybe that was the justification he could use for everything that he did, that it all came from a place of caring for the Void. He knew that the Void would hate hearing that, hate hearing that he cared for it. As he returned to his room to get his well earned sleep he decided it was exactly what he’d do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even when he's trying to be nice, Simon is still the worst


	7. Weird Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter

Grace had never taken the sleeping pills that were kept in the infirmary before but she remembered some of the children who did complaining that they gave them weird dreams. Grace assumed this was what the children had meant. She stood all alone in white void. Void. That word had been thoroughly ruined for her. Grace was aware that this was a dream though she wasn’t sure why. “That’s called a lucid dream.” someone said to her. Grace turned around to see who’d spoken to her only to find the last face she’d expected greeting her. “Hi Grace.” Hazel said. This Hazel was odd, in that rather than take on the appearance of a single one of Hazel’s forms she seemed to cycle through all of them at random. Sometimes Hazel would be a full turtle, the next minute human looking and then half way into her turtle form.

“You're confused.” Hazel said matter of factly. Grace nodded her head.

“How did you know that?” Grace asked. Hazel smiled and began to explain.

“This is a sleeping-pill induced lucid dream, you can make whatever you want here.” Hazel gestured to the endless expanse of whiteness surrounding them. “You haven’t created anything yet so the world is empty.” she explained. Grace nodded.

“What about you, what’s your deal?” Grace asked Hazel who continued shifting through her forms.

“I’m a manifestation of your subconscious.” Hazel said. Grace raised an eyebrow.

“If you're just a projection of my inner thoughts how do you know about stuff I don’t? “ Grace asked her.

“We know all the same things. It’s just that it’s more difficult for you to process some information on your own so your brain chose the person who you’d be most likely to listen to as an avatar for your subconscious thoughts so that they could reach you.” she added. Grace still looked at her curiously.

“But if all you do is explain my subconscious thoughts what’s the point? Why would I need another person to regurgitate the things I already know?” Grace questioned. Hazel put her head in her hands frustrated.

“Just because they’re your thoughts doesn’t mean you know them. You,” Hazel gestured to Grace up and down. “Represent the conscious mind. I represent the subconscious mind. While we both have the same information I have information that you can’t process unless given to you by another person. Am I making any sense?” she asked. Grace nodded.

“A little I guess. So, why are you Hazel?” she asked. Hazel simply shrugged.

“I guess Hazel is the person that you trust to give you correct information making her the best vehicle for delivering thoughts from the subconscious to the conscious. Also before you ask me I’m cycling forms because your internal vision of Hazel doesn’t have one concrete form and this was the most accurate way to represent that. Do you have any more questions?” Hazel asked. Grace shook her head. “Great, so what do you want to do?” she asked. Grace thought for a moment.

“You're not the real Hazel, so nothing I say will badly affect you, right?” Hazel nodded. “I want to kill Simon.” Grace said angrily. Hazel simply looked at her.

“Okay, make it happen.” she said stepping aside. Grace cracked her knuckles and tried to conjure up the scene she was going for. The white abyss dissolved into the Mall car around her.

“Alright, I’ve got the setting down.” she noted. “Now to create…” Grace trailed off. Hazel squeezed her hand.

“You know Grace, you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I can hear everything you think.” Grace paused at this for a moment before laughing.

“No offense but hearing that come out of Hazel’s mouth is supremely creepy.” she said happily. Grace then closed her eyes and focused on conjuring up Simon. “Ugh, no this is wrong!” Grace said annoyed. The Simon who she’d imagined looked more like the dork that she’d called her best friend than the violent unstable asshole who’d broken her leg. Grace tried again to bring to mind the ridiculously high number and loose hair of the Simon who she wanted dead but again found herself unable to conjure him. Grace turned to Hazel frustrated. “What gives? I thought you said I could make whatever I wanted here?” she questioned. Hazel nodded.

“You can. But it’s kind of a weird thing about making people, they always come out as the version of them who you most associate with them even if it makes no sense. That’s why I keep cycling, why you have two working legs, and it’s probably why this is the Simon you keep making.” she explained. Grace let out a groan of frustration. She hadn’t even noticed her leg was fine.

“But that’s not the version of Simon I want. Looking at this,” she gestured to the Simon that she’d created. “Just makes me sad that he ends up so awful.” she explained. Hazel held her hand again and let out a pitying sigh.

“Let me help you.” she said before conjuring up the more recent Simon Grace had been aiming for.

“Thank you! But how did you-” Hazel cut her off.

“Don’t worry about it. Just decide how you want to kill him and live out that thought.” Hazel explained to Grace. She nodded in response and began thinking. How did she want to kill Simon? She hadn’t put much thought into after deciding that she wanted to so having free reign to do whatever was a little overwhelming. Grace turned to Hazel.

“Are the Apex kids going to see this?” she asked awkwardly. Now it was Hazel’s turn to look confused.

“Do you want them to?” she asked. Grace furiously shook her head.

“Not at all.” she responded.

“Then they won’t; Grace this is your imagination.” Hazel replied. Grace still looked awkward at trying to conjure up her method of ending Simon’s life. Hazel, who had grown tired of this, looked at Grace and offered a suggestion. “You know, we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” she offered. Grace looked serious.

“I do want to do this.” she responded stoically. That much was true at least. She did want to kill Simon; it was just that she hadn’t pictured it like this.

“If you want to do it why don’t you?” Hazel asked her earnestly. Grace let out a frustrated groan and put her face in her hands.

“I don’t know? I just always thought that it would happen in like, the spur of the moment so that I wouldn't have to think about it.” Grace offered an explanation. Hazel rolled her eyes.

“You’ve killed people before Grace.” she reminded her. Grace let out another frustrated groan.

“I know, you’re right. It’s just that this is different.” she said tiredly, herself unable to explain why it felt so frustratingly difficult to decide on how she was to kill her abuser.

“Why was it different? Because those other times you were killing nulls?” Hazel asked. There was a little bitterness in her voice that Grace recognized as her mind calling her out on the hypocrisy of the situation.

“No, not because they were denizens.” Grace said using the correct term for the people of the train despite her own mind daring her to do otherwise.

“So why then?” Hazel was goading her and Grace knew it but she had no defense. Hazel was right, of course she was right. Of course her mind had chosen the one person who was excellent at getting her to admit things she’d have rather kept secret.

“Because they weren’t Simon okay! Because I didn’t spend eight years caring about and loving them only for them to turn cartoonishly evil! That’s why it’s harder even though Simon deserves it more than any denizen I've ever met.” Hazel nodded and gently patted Grace on the back.

“It’s okay to be conflicted Grace.” Hazel offered. Grace shook her head.

“No it’s not. He’s awful. He hurt me, he hurt you.” Grace shook her head. “This should be easy, he deserves it.” Grace said to herself. Hazel waved away Grace’s conjured Simon and the conjured mall car leaving them once again in the white void. She sat down and gestured for Grace to do the same. After a moment of hesitation Grace followed suit sitting down across from Hazel.

“Just because he deserves it doesn’t mean it’s easy. He was your best friend Grace.” Hazel said knowingly. Grace hated that fact. She just wanted everything to be over with so she could move on and try to block the last eight years from her head or dismiss them as a hoax. Hazel looked at her disapprovingly. “Grace if you pretend that you didn’t care about him because it’s easier for you, you’d be playing his game.” Hazel said evidently looking into Grace’s mind.

“But it’s hard! It’s hard to want him dead and at the same time remember when that wasn’t true. If I just pretend that our entire friendship was a scam wouldn’t that be easier for me to kill him?” she asked. Hazel shook her head.

“It wouldn’t be the truth.’ she reminded Grace. In response Grace put her head in her hands again.

“Who cares about the truth?” Grace asked.

“You do.” Hazel said seriously. The two sat there in silence for a while after that, trying to understand what they were to do next. It was Hazel who broke the silence. “We can talk about something else if you want.” she offered. Grace gave her a small smile.

“I wish I could talk to the real Hazel.” Grace said sadly. “Do you think she’s okay?” she asked. Hazel shrugged. Grace looked off sadly. “I wasn’t a very good guardian to her, was I?” Hazel shook her head.

“You tried.” was the best response she could offer.

“Not hard enough.” Grace said, criticizing herself. Hazel looked at her sympathetically.

“You know Grace, there’s still a car full of kids who need a good guardian.” she reminded her. Grace looked at her surprised.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Maybe if it’s too hard to think about how you're going to kill Simon, just think about how you’re going to save the kids. Think about getting their numbers down and sending them home.” was Hazel’s response. Grace considered Hazel’s suggestion for a moment before agreeing with it. All of the kids who Grace had wanted to keep safe still needed to be kept safe. They were still on the wrong path towards going home and Grace was the only one close enough to them to help them. That could be her mission, to send the kids home, to disband the Apex. Content with her new goal which would require killing Simon but didn’t force her to think about how she’d do it Grace looked at Hazel.

“Thank you.” she said to her mental recreation of the girl. Hazel nodded before sinking into the white void, indicating that Grace’s dream would soon end. As Grace sat there alone in the moments before she’d wake she heard the fleeting sound of Hazel’s voice.

“Good luck Grace.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grace is gearing up to stage a coo, good for her


	8. Entitlement And Attachment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is dehumanization in this chapter

When Simon checked on the Void that morning it was still asleep. The Void mumbled in its sleep Simon noticed. Most of it was unintelligible but he did manage to hear the name Hazel come up quite a few times. Yes, Hazel. Perhaps the person Simon had the most conflicted feelings on. When he’d first captured the Void Simon had considered sending out a manhunt for that null and wheeling her just to push the Void toward it’s breaking point but ultimately he’d chosen not to.

After all, Hazel was under the care of that stooge of the false conductor and he had no doubt that the old woman had plenty of tricks up her sleeve along with a general distaste for him so it wasn’t worth the risk. Besides, that would have been a low blow even by his standards, he had better methods of hurting the Void. But, being reminded of the null that had been under his and the Void’s care ignited something in Simon. The Void was likely worried about Hazel and was desperate for information about her. Simon weighed his options in this effect. Ultimately, he was envious of the null despite her less than human status. In only a few weeks of traveling with them Hazel had managed to unravel what he and the Void had spent eight years building.

In addition Simon was also perhaps a little jealous of the child. After all it had been her who’d driven a wedge between him and the Void in the first place; her who had stolen the place beside the Void that he’d once held. Though considering the Void’s true nature perhaps that was something he should have been grateful for. Simon all things considered did desperately miss the connection he and the Void had once had. He’d truly felt once that the Void was the only person who he could ever love. Maybe he still felt that way. But Simon was uninterested in that train of thought at least for now.

And besides that thinking about Hazel and the events she’d set in motion once again brought his mind to that stooge of the false conductor. She’d had the highest number Simon had ever seen but he was sure he’d surpassed it by now. Numbers were power and he was no doubt more powerful than her. Perhaps now he’d be able acquire some of her technology, and maybe some information on Hazel as well. Getting information on the fate of the null the Void had attached itself to would either please or upset the Void. At this point either was useful to Simon. The Void would likely be asleep for quite a while longer, long enough for him to make a quick trip out a few cars to try and find Amelia and get back without much trouble. Simon ascended the escalator and addressed his loyal followers.

“Apex, I have an announcement to make. I will have to depart the car and will be gone for the next two days. In the meantime all of the rules still apply and if I find that they were broken there will be consequences.” he announced. The children murmured to themselves below him some confused and most excited at the prospect of two full days of peace within the car lacking the tension that Simon brought to it. “As for the Void,” he continued, “I will be selecting a trusted member to be responsible for it’s food while I’m gone.” He looked over the crowd and selected a member. “You.” he said, gesturing to a girl with red hair. “Can you recite the rules in regards to the Void?” he asked. The girl nodded.

“No talking to the Void, no using the Void’s false name, no entering the Void’s prison.” she recited from memory. Simon nodded.

“While I am away you are responsible for the Void’s food. Is that understood?” He asked. The girl nodded. He didn’t bother to try and remember her name. There were so many Apex kids and he was never good with faces alone. That had been the Void’s responsibility when it had been in power. Simon went to his room to collect the necessary items for his short journey to gather information and hopefully some of the old woman’s technical know how. After he’d finished he addressed the children one more time. “Don’t disappoint me.” he said, both a reminder and a warning. And with that he set off towards the direction he’d seen the old woman and Hazel head off in.

Checking his tracker based on how high the woman’s number was when he’d last interacted with her Simon had determined that she wasn’t too far away, which had made him confident about this whole trip in the first place. If he was correct she would only be a few cars away and hopefully along with her the null who had managed to destroy years of work without even trying. As Simon traveled he considered the fact that he was doing this and questioned himself. He didn’t need to go see the old woman and learn the secrets of her technology. He was doing this almost exclusively for the Void. Simon believed that in a way he loved the Void despite it being far less than human.

He was constantly conflicted between wanting to make the Void care about him like it used to and wanting to hurt it. Perhaps that was why he’d chosen to keep the Void alive rather than wheel it. He wanted the Void to feel how he felt, to both hate and need him. That after all was likely a fate worse than death, to be desperately in love with someone who you wanted to see dead. “If the Void was here it would probably tell me that what I’m describing isn’t healthy.” Simon mused to himself. He did enjoy his conversations with the Void even if most of them consisted of the Void hating them. He could accept that; he could live with the Void hating him if it meant he still took up space in it’s mind. Simon found that his train of thought about the Void was quickly cut off when after entering another car he found himself face to face with that Amelia woman.

“Looking for me?” she asked annoyed.

“How did you-” Simon began before being cut off.

“After the incident with you tracking me last time I added a feature to my device that let’s me know when I’m being followed. Now, what do you want with me you little puke?” she asked annoyed. Simon looked at the woman frustrated. How dare she treat him like an inconvenience when he had the highest number on the train.

“Listen, I want two things from you; your sound shield, and information about Hazel.” he said seriously. Amelia stared at him before bursting into laughter.

“Are you kidding me? You want my sound shield. No. I made this thing to protect myself from ghoms and evidently, little pukes like yourself. And as for Hazel, according to her you spent the entirety of your time together being indifferent to her at best and actively hateful at worst so I find it hard to imagine you want information on her status for anything good. Please give me one good reason I should listen to you instead of blasting you back to whatever godforsaken car you came from.” Amelia said. Simon smirked, at the very least he’d had a response prepared for this.

“My number is higher than yours and therefore I’m more powerful than you. Really it’s in your own best interest to listen to me.” he said casually. Amelia looked at him, seemingly noticing how high his number had gotten at that moment. She stared at him in shock but not in fear.

“My god, and here I thought you were just behaving the regular level of shitty for a teenager. If that number is anything to go by you would have had to do something truly awful.” she said to herself now seemingly ignoring Simon in favor of trying to decide what he could have done to get his number to jump that high. “I mean in all my time on the train my number increased gradually, a build up over a thirty year career of doing things I really shouldn’t have but you, it’s only been a little over a month since I last saw you and it’s gone up that much.” Simon looked around awkwardly as Amelia scribbled something in her notes.

“Are you going to give me what I asked for?” he asked perplexed as Amelia continued ignoring him in favor of writing notes. Amelia looked back up at him and laughed again.

“No. Why would I do that? Though I have deduced that the only way you could have gotten a number that high that quickly was sustained awfulness likely to a person you really shouldn’t have been awful to. Considering the fact that the girl you were with; Grace I think, seemed to be the only person close to you I’d have to conclude that it has something to do with her.” she said, finishing up her notes. “So, what horrific thing did you do that poor girl.” Simon denied her claim.

“Nothing, at the very least nothing that’s any of your business. I went to go find you because she wanted to know about Hazel.” he said.

“I call bullshit, you were mad at her when I took Hazel, and if you're as volatile as you seem to be I have no doubt you're capable of doing something horrific so I’ll ask you again. What did you do to that poor girl.” Amelia asked again, seriously. Simon rolled his eyes.

“Nothing that wasn’t warranted. Besides I love Grace, I wouldn’t hurt her for no reason.” he responded. Amelia gave him a dark look.

“I am quite sure whatever version of love you think you feel is some warped combination of entitlement and unhealthy attachment. Hazel is fine, you're not getting anything else out of me. And now that I’m sure you're up to something I don’t doubt I’ll have to come and put a stop to it.” Amelia sighed. “I’d really love to just kick the sense into you now but I do have a job to do so if you could stop wasting my time and go take your issues elsewhere.” she said packing up her things and heading for the car exit.

“Wait! You can’t just leave, I have a higher number than you, I outrank you.” Simon explained. Amelia rolled her eyes.

“Numbers aren’t power dipshit there issues and you’ve got a lot of them.” and with that Amelia was gone leaving Simon in an empty car and with a day’s journey back to the Apex. He’d disregard everything she’d said of course. Who was she to try and lecture him about what constituted love when according to her she’d spent years of her life creating a weird clone of her dead boyfriend. He grabbed his things and began trudging back towards the mall car still frustrated at Amelia’s comments about him. Loving people was all about looking past their flaws and Simon still loved the Void despite it being a horrible blight on the train so that had to count for something. He just had to remind himself that everything he’d done had been justified considering the circumstances. The fact that he wanted to break the Void’s mind was something that was necessary. In his opinion, deeply despising the person you were in love with wasn’t a contradiction, it was a bonus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of unhappy with this chapter ngl the next one is better


	9. Prison Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter

By the time Grace had woken up she couldn’t remember how long she’d been asleep. Her dream had been illuminating but waking up from it she was met with the reality of the situation she was in. She wanted to protect the Apex kids, to get them home safely, but how could she do that from the inside of a cell. She hadn’t even talked to any of them since she’d been locked up and she was sure Simon had made them swear not to talk to her or something like that. She was sure if she could just talk to even one of them, if she could explain to them that she’d been wrong about numbers and wanted to help them the right way, Grace was sure that they’d listen.

But it was unlikely that a situation where that would be possible was going to arise. After all with the kids being on a no talking order against her it was unlikely that one of them would go against Simon and reach out. And with her leg being in the state it was… Grace looked down at her leg, the swelling had gone down but it was still fairly busted up and without access to some crutches even if she did escape her restraints again she would be stuck here for the time being. Which of course was exactly what Simon had intended. Grace sighed, at least until her leg healed, getting even one chance to convince the children was going to take nothing short of a miracle.

Grace heard the door creak and cringed at the prospect of having to interact with Simon once again. The only interaction she wanted with him at this point was one that she made sure would be their last but without a plan for the time being it seemed as though she’d be doomed to suffer through however long of Simon’s seemingly never ending cavalcade of torment until he was satisfied. However as the door opened that was not what Grace was greeted with. Rather in front of her stood one of the Apex’s own. Due to the darkness Grace found it a bit hard to make out exactly who stood in front of her but she quickly determined that the girl who had entered her prison was Serina. That was a thing about Grace, all of the Apex kids blended together for Simon who constantly had to be reminded of names but Grace; Grace never forgot one of her kids.

“I-I was just supposed to bring you your food and I know I’m not allowed to talk to you but something happened and Nick is hurt and Simon’s not here and I don’t know what to do-” the girl started crying. Grace didn’t even register that Simon had left, one of the kids was hurt and that was far more important. However she couldn’t do much from the position she was currently in to fix that. In her most calm voice she did her best to instruct the girl.

“Hey, hey, Serina it’s okay. I’m going to help you, everything is going to be okay. What I need you to do is bring me the key to these,” she moved her hands in the handcuffs to demonstrate. “And I need you to bring me some crutches. Is that okay?” she asked in her trademark soothing voice. The girl seemed more calm and nodded.

“I already have the key,” she said wiping her tears. “I’ll go get the crutches.” she said before scrambling off. As she did Grace held her breath. The timing of everything had been incredibly convenient but she wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Besides that Grace had no clue what it was that could have possessed Simon to leave the car unattended. Knowing him it was likely something that was going to be used to try and ruin her life but that wasn’t what she wanted to think about. Serina returned with the crutches and freed Grace from her restraints. Grace knew she could have gotten out without the girls help but in case this was a trap it was likely in her best interest to not give away exactly the level of freedom she was able to acquire. Grace struggled a bit on the crutches at first but with a bit of help from Serina she was able to exit her prison.

“Where is he?” she asked the girl. As she led her towards where the injured child was Grace felt oddly calmed and disturbed by being within the mall car properly. The few times she’d been out of her prison since Simon’s takeover she’d been being held by the children before promptly being made unconscious so simply walking around the car and seeing how both familiar and foreign it felt was certainly a change. As she approached the infirmary she found it crowded with children who were concerned for their friend and as more of the Apex caught sight of her an even larger crowd developed of children some who were frightened some who were excited and most who were confused. Grace resisted the urge to give each of them a hug and approached the cot where Nick was holding his arm in pain.

The first thing Grace noticed was the extreme amount of blood, likely what had made Serina concerned enough to go get her in the first place. Grace wasn’t squeamish about blood but that level of bleeding wasn’t pretty. Methodically Grace grabbed a washcloth, wet it in warm water and moved toward him. When the child uncovered his eyes and his arm he looked like he’d seen a ghost. Grace supposed that was a fair reaction as she cleaned the blood off and silently prayed. “Please let this be a surface injury, please let this be a surface injury.” Grace finished wiping off the cut to see that her prayers had been answered as despite the level of bleeding the cut wasn’t very deep. She sterilized the wound with peroxide and put gauze and medical tape over it. Now there was silence as no one could seem to decide what to do at seeing Grace freed from her prison least of all Grace herself. Still, she spoke anyway.

“Apex, I've missed you all.” she said to them. It seemed that she’d discovered some kind of code phrase with how quickly the children devolved into tears at hearing her address them so fondly. Many of the younger ones ran up and hugged her tears in their eyes as they squeezed her so tight Grace was sure she’d fall over. The older ones, considering themselves to cool for that simply wiped their tears and pretended not to be happy to see her. Many of the kids tried to offer explanations for their heel turns. A chorus of,

“We’re sorry we hurt you, we didn’t want to upset Simon.” and all it’s variations could be heard coming from the children as they seemingly felt shame over their role and guilt for her predicament. Grace refused to allow them to feel responsible for the things that had happened to her when they’d simply been acting out of fear rather than malice. Grace knew she’d have to make an address towards the children as she had no clue how much time she’d have before the return of Simon. She had so much she wanted to tell the children, so much she wanted to explain. Looking into the eyes of the people who Grace had wanted to protect, who she had led astray she came up with a plan.

Out of habit after freeing herself from the countless hugs she was receiving Grace made her way over to the escalator with the intention of ascending it to give an address before realizing exactly how much she was unable to do in her current physical state. Not wanting to dwell on that Grace instead simply turned towards the Apex to give her address.

“Apex, I know that many things have happened and first I want you all to know I’m not mad at you for everything that happened. You all are kids, and you all did what you thought you had to do. But, there is another important thing I have to tell you. And that is that I was wrong, about nulls, about numbers, about the train. I was wrong about a lot of things and I passed that wrong information on to you all. I want to fix that, I want to help you all the right way. But first, I need you all to leave, and go as many cars away as you can.” As Grace finished her speech many of the kids whispered confused at the information they’d just received which Grace expected.

“I know it’s a lot to take in but I need you all to trust me. I’m going to do what I should have done a long time ago.” she said. Once again the children whispered however this time one of them actually addressed Grace.

“If we leave won’t Simon get upset?” she asked. Grace understood that by upset the child had actually meant mad. It made Grace angry to think about how she’d manipulated the kids and it made her even angrier to think about how Simon had used fear to keep the kids in line. To deal with the first Grace was going to help the kids get home and make sure they learned what they needed to learn in order to grow. As for the second;

“I’m going to make sure that Simon isn’t a problem for you all ever again okay.” she offered. As she hoped most of the kids didn’t know what she was referring to and those who did kept it to themselves. “Now, go pack your stuff and get as far away as you can, as soon as it’s safe I’m going to come find you. Everyone,watch out for each other, and no one leave anyone else behind.”she said. The kids seemingly agreed as they all scrambled off to grab their stuff and prepare to vacate the car as Grace had requested. She was happy to see the first part of her plan go off so smoothly and as she saw the Apex kids leave she could at least be content in the knowledge that however her plan ended up she’d at least have put some distance between them and the car.

Now she had a choice to make. As she’d determined in her dream she didn’t really want to consider how she would kill Simon but Grace understood that not having a plan would lead to disaster. Considering the state of her leg she knew that a fair fight wouldn’t be favorable, she’d have to catch him off guard and then do something quickly.Grace sighed as she realized that the best way to do that would be to return to her prison. Whatever Simon had left the car for it almost certainly had something to do with her and he’d likely go see her as soon as he returned.

In addition, if he noticed the absence of the children he’d also likely find her and demand an answer as to where they were. After making sure that each of the kids had left the car Grace found herself a weapon and returned to her prison leaving her crutches off to the side, out of Simon’s field of vision but close enough that she’d be able to leave quickly. She hated this room, hated that she had to stay here even a second longer but it was all a part of her plan. At the very least as she sat within her prison cell Grace could take comfort in one thought. “Simon has no idea what he’s walking into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fun. Next chapter will not be.


	10. It Ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is dehumanization, non-consensual kissing, and physical violence in this chapter

Grace sat in her prison and lied in wait for the return of Simon. She had a plan, and she would see it through, no matter the cost. As she sat she wondered about the Apex kids, she wondered how far away they’d gotten. She hoped that they weren’t doing anything destructive to the train or god forbid to some poor denizen they happened across. In hindsight Grace regretted not going into more detail about what she’d been wrong about specifically but she didn’t know how long it would be before Simon returned and getting them out of the area was her greatest priority. Deep down she wondered, if only a little, if the choice she was making was right.

Surely Simon deserved a death by her hand and she’d be happy to deliver, but what that would do to her number, what that would do to the Apex kids if they ever found out… Grace’s thoughts trailed off as she stared at the door once again praying for it to open so that she could leave this prison, this car, forever. Grace wanted to heal, wanted to start on the path to recovery, but she couldn’t do that while staying here and each moment that passed Grace grew more weary of the action she was about to take. She knew what she had to do but that didn’t mean she’d have to feel good about it. 

Silently, she recalled dream Hazel’s words to her, “Just because he deserves it doesn’t mean it’s easy.” she’d said to her. How right she’d been. Still alone and bored Grace’s thoughts drifted to her number. She hadn’t checked it since all of this had started and at this point she was a little afraid to. Grace had silently held on to the slightly depressing hope that going through hell would have lowered her number significantly. Then maybe her trauma would have meant something, maybe all of this would have been worth it in some weird way because the train would have deemed her a better person afterward.

In reality Grace knew that if she checked her number and was incorrect about the way the train had changed it she would have to face an awful reality. That the awful things she’d gone through hadn’t been some grand lesson to lower her number and make her a better person. The reality that those awful things had just been awful things, shitty but ultimately meaningless. As if to punctuate her thoughts about the cruel randomness of the world she heard the approaching footsteps of Simon. 

Grace steeled herself mentally reminding herself to play the part of the prisoner even if that was the furthest thing from what she was. She couldn’t risk acting suspicious and giving herself away. She just needed him to get close enough to her for her to strike. 

“Considering how often he touches my face that shouldn’t be a problem.” Grace thought bitterly. That was good, bitterness was good. It would make this next part easier. He opened the door and Grace looked for signs that he’d noticed the kids were gone. Simon looked mildly annoyed but not furious so Grace decided that he probably hadn’t. Of course he hadn’t.

“Hey Void, I’m back.” he announced the annoyance in his voice clear. He stood near the door still, not close enough for Grace to make a move. 

“I wished you’d stayed gone.” She spat back at him. Simon didn’t seem at all phased by this ignoring her comment and continuing on. Clearly his mind was somewhere else.

“I saw that old lady who worked for the false conductor.” he said with clear indignation rising in his voice at the thought of her. Grace could tell that the interaction likely hadn’t gone well from that bit of anger that he’d conjured up in his voice, though considering how much Amelia already didn’t like him it was a miracle he’d even made it out of that conversation in one piece. Or, whatever the opposite of a miracle is. 

“Let me guess, she kicked you ass?” Grace questioned snarkily. Simon glared at her before his expression softened back to it’s normal level of disgust with her existence.

“That reminds me, I saw your little null friend.” he said with a smile that made Grace’s skin crawl. He’d seen Hazel? That was a lie, it had to be. It didn’t make any sense, how and why would he have found her.

“You're lying.” Grace said, attempting to project confidence rather than nervousness. Simon couldn’t be trusted, Grace knew that. Still, the idea that he’d found Hazel made her stomach turn, which was likely why he’d done it.

“You can believe whatever you want to believe. I just thought I’d tell you since I did it for you. You were mumbling about her in your sleep.” he said casually as he approached her slightly closer. Not close enough, but closer. Grace knew what he was saying was bait, but she couldn’t help the fear that enveloped her at the idea of Simon finding Hazel “for her”. It was so encompassing she almost didn’t have time to be disturbed at the idea of Simon watching her sleep.

“Why?” Grace asked. Simon smiled at her in that same awful way that was filled with more cynicism and hate than happiness.

“I just wanted you to know that your little null friend was still okay.” he said once again with more flippancy than she could handle. Grace could feel her heart racing at the way he’d phrased it. He wanted her to know Hazel was still okay.

“Is that a threat?” Grace asked. Her voice wavered more than she would have liked. Simon was awful but he wasn’t that awful, right? If he was going to take things that far wouldn’t he have done it already?

“Do you want it to be, Void?” he asked her. Grace felt her hands shake. This was a game to Simon, she was a game to him. He was doing this to hurt her, to toy with her. He wouldn’t really go through with it. He wasn’t really serious.

“You wouldn’t dare.” Grace said seriously. She wanted to believe that was true. She wanted to believe that there were some lines even he was incapable of crossing. Simon laughed.

“Maybe you're right. But, maybe you’re wrong. Is that really a chance you want to take?” he asked her. As discreetly as she could Grace slipped her hand behind her back and grasped at the brick she’d found and chosen as her tool. All she needed was an opening, she could do this. She stared him dead in his cold, awful eyes that wanted nothing more than to hurt her.

“What do you want from me?” she asked him. What was the point of threatening her when from his point of view she was still being held prisoner? What else could he possibly want to take from her, what else was there left to take from her? Simon smirked at her and shook his head as if she’d said something utterly ridiculous. 

“Absolutely nothing.” he said before crouching down to her level. Without warning he grabbed her face and forced a kiss on her. Grace thought that she might vomit. It was awful, this was awful all of it. She wanted to pull away or scream or slap him, the feeling of his lips pressed against hers while his tongue made its way down her throat making her cringe, reminding her that she really was just a game to him. Instead, as hard as she could she reeled back and hit him with the brick that she held. Everything happened in a blur the second it connected. The sound, the fall, there was no time to react. 

“Good.” Grace thought. “He doesn’t deserve a reaction.” and like that it was over. Grace grabbed her crutches and stood over someone who was her best friend once, who she might have loved once. She assessed the damage that she’d done, trying to decide if she’d have to do more but ultimately concluding that it wouldn’t be necessary. She’d hit him pretty damn hard, and with a brick nonetheless. Besides that a huge gash had been torn in his head from where the impact had hit. “The blood loss will kill him if the brain trauma hasn’t already.” Grace decided before leaving her prison. 

As she left the area she’d been held captive and stood within the empty mall car Grace felt conflicted though she wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because of how quickly it had happened, Grace hadn’t properly processed the events that had just occurred. She’d just killed someone, her former best friend of eight years. Maybe she should have felt worse. On the other hand he’d done such awful things to her, his last moments had been forcing a kiss on her, so maybe he deserved worse than what he got. Maybe she should have felt better, more triumphant.

As Grace looked around the car that she’d called home for years, a place that had been filled with memories, all she really felt was tired. But this was no time to rest, content with how things had gone. Killing Simon had been difficult but she had an even more difficult task ahead of her. Grace had to go meet up with the kids, to start over, to make things right. Almost automatically Grace headed towards the escalator with the intention of packing a bag for her journey only to be met with a stark reminder of how things had changed.

She didn’t have anything to pack anymore. And even if she did, she couldn’t get up the escalator. It wasn’t lost on her that both of those things were due to the actions of the same person. Still, Grace knew that once she’d left this car she was never coming back again and maybe she was a little afraid of that. So, doing her best to balance, Grace hopped her way up the stairs nearby to the escalator in order to see what was left of her old room. 

The place had been completely torn apart, nothing was left except for things structural to the room’s foundation. At least that's what Grace thought upon first entering the room. Upon closer inspection there had been a few things left behind. Clothes that had been dropped, shards of glass left from her vanity but most interestingly a photo of her and Simon. The same one that she’d watched him burn. Grace was confused by this for a second before realizing that Simon must have made a copy of it before burning it.

Grace didn’t know whether to be happy the photo still existed or pissed that for everything he’d done Simon still too much of a coward to follow through on being awful when it affected him. Grace stared at the photo and thought to herself. “When I get off the train, will anyone believe me? Or will I have absolutely no proof that this ever happened? Do I even want proof?” she asked herself. She stared at the photo and felt something she couldn’t describe. 

She could destroy it now, or even just leave it here. It would be like this had never happened, it would be like Simon had never happened. Grace brought to mind the words of dream Hazel once again. “It wouldn’t be the truth.” Grace cared about the truth. She cared that this had happened to her and she cared that the person who had done it was someone she used to care about. 

Maybe taking this photo with her meant that she was still holding on to something. Or maybe it meant that the things she’d been through would still be a part of her long after this had all passed. Grace didn’t really care to think about that at the moment. She stuffed the photo in her pocket and headed toward the exit of the mall car, towards a new life. Wearily, Grace finally smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD


	11. Dark Woods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter

Grace exited the mall car into a car that had been themed around a sound stage. As she entered denizens that took the form of soundboards, headphones, and cameras hustled and bustled around her seemingly preparing for a production of some kind. Grace noted that the car didn’t seem to have been disturbed and all of the people were still intact which gave her a great deal of relief. Approaching a camera shaped denizen Grace inquired about the exit. He responded in kind.

“The exit is just past stage right, but, you’ve got just the look we’re going for. How would you like to be the protagonist of our next production? It’s about a girl who gets haunted by the ghost of the person she killed.” he explained. Grace internally screamed. The train had to be purposely fucking with her.

“No thanks.” Grace said. “I don’t think i’m cut out to be a star.” she offered as an excuse. The camera shook his head.

“But you haven’t even heard the twist, the person she killed, was her best friend.” he said to her excitedly. Okay, now Grace knew the train was fucking with her. She shook her head and pressed on through the car to the exit following the directions she had been given. Grace desperately needed a nap but as she entered the next car she found it very likely that she wasn’t going to get one.

The car was a huge expanse of dark forests and a large threatening mansion loomed over the car sitting atop a hill. Grace knew enough about the train to know that her exit lied somewhere in that house.

“Am I even going to be able to get up that hill with my leg?” Grace asked herself. She began to turn around in order to go back a car and ask one of the denizens for help but as if on cue the door was no longer where it had been. Grace supposed she should have expected it from a horror themed car but it didn’t mean she had to like it. Tiredly she marched on through the woods.

Grace immediately felt like she was being followed. Her skin crawled at the feeling of the eyes that she knew weren’t there staring at her with a dark piercing intensity. Unable to handle the feeling Grace swung around only to see that the way that she’d come was now completely blocked by trees. Grace took a deep breath, she was okay, she was alone. This was a horror themed car, of course she’d feel watched.

Still, it wasn’t just the car's atmosphere that contributed to her unease. It was the eerie silence that no real place could have. The way that Grace could swear she could hear footsteps, and breathing. She clenched her fists and pushed onward. She had to consider the idea that she was being followed. On crutches she was a walking target, there would be nothing she could do to properly fight off anyone who dained to come from the darkness and…

Grace had no idea what she thought this fictitious stalker would do if they caught her but as the wind seemingly picked up out of nowhere and began sounding more like a scream than anything else Grace decided the answer was nothing good. She just had to remind herself that this was all in her mind. No one was following her, why would they. Even with the reassurance Grace couldn’t stop herself from letting her mind go to the place that she really didn’t want it to.

What if Simon was following her? The footsteps that Grace could swear she wasn’t imaging were getting closer, the breathing louder. This was all just guilt, this was her mind trying to cope with everything she’d been too numb to feel after she’d done it. Grace felt her mouth become dry as she remembered what Simon had said to her after a session of treating her like she was less than human. The way he’d taunted her at the idea of her ever truly being free from him.

“Even if you got out of the car, you think that would stop me?” he’d said to her. Grace felt her breathing grow frantic. He was dead, she’d killed him, she’d come to terms with that. So why did she feel like his words still held some truth. “You think that would stop me?” Would anything stop him? Or was Grace doomed to be tormented by the memory of what she’d done until she died. Grace didn’t realize that she’d been doing the best approximation of a run she could until she tripped.

An unassuming rock had been in her path and Grace had been so concerned with escaping her thoughts, with escaping her mind, that she hadn’t even noticed. As she fell she landed with a thud on the ground luckily not having damaged her good leg or having injured her bad leg any further. Grace could get back up, could keep running, but why bother? If Simon was right, if nothing would stop him from torturing her, not even death, why bother? Grace sat on the ground and stared into the dark cluster of trees that covered where she’d just come from and yelled into them.

“Come on! Come and get me if you're going to do it! Just get it over with!” she said to absolutely no one. This was an exercise, no one would answer, Grace would sit there for a while and sort out her thoughts about what she’d done. She’d realize that the idea of someone chasing her had just been an outward manifestation of her guilt and then she’d get up and leave having learned a lesson.

Except that wasn’t what happened. Grace hadn’t been imagining footsteps and breathing, they’d been real. And as the rustle of the trees got closer and closer Grace braced herself as she was met face to face with…Amelia? The old woman hunched over out of breath and held out a finger to indicate that she needed a moment. After having caught her breath she pulled herself up and addressed Grace.

“You damn kids, you're always so fast.” she said tiredly.

“Amelia? What are you doing here?” Grace asked her. She was honestly one of the last faces Grace expected to see pop out at her from a scary forest but the more she thought about it the more it seemed surprisingly on brand.

“I was looking for you, I had a deeply troubling conversation with a certain ponytailed puke and I got the feeling that you might be in danger.” she explained. Grace pulled herself back up onto her crutches and looked Amelia in the eye preparing to speak, trying to come up with an explanation that didn’t make it patently clear what she’d had to do.

“I’m not in danger anymore.” she responded hoping that Amelia wouldn’t ask her anymore questions about exactly what she meant so that she could return to sitting on the forest floor and learning to cope with her guilt. Amelia stared deep into her eyes as if she was searching for something. Evidently Amelia found it.

“I know that look, you’ve either lost someone, or killed someone.” she said matter of factly. Grace’s face changed as she stared off into the middle distance no longer wanting to look Amelia in the eyes and deeply conflicted about everything that had led her to that moment. Amelia looked at her again closer this time and edited her statement. “Maybe both.” she said before looking at Grace softer.

Grace pushed on through the car not wanting to dwell on everything that had welled up in her. Amelia spoke to her again. “Did it have something to do with ponytail?” she asked. Grace started to answer, but words got caught in her throat and quickly transformed to tears. Grace hated that she was crying and didn’t know what she was crying for. Amelia looked deeply uncomfortable but tried her best to be comforting anyway.

“There, there, don’t cry, please don’t cry.” Amelia said practically begging as she put an awkward hand on Grace’s shoulder. That didn’t assuage her tears any as Grace continued to bawl for a reason that she couldn’t comprehend. Amelia let out a sigh. “Come on, let’s keep walking, I won’t make you tell me about it. Partially because I know it’s probably painful, but also partially because I don’t care.” that last part was a joke or at least Grace hoped it was a joke because she’d laughed at it.

The two walked toward the house in a comfortable silence at least for a while before Grace spoke to her again. “How did you find me?” she asked casually. Amelia explained.

“When I took on employment under One he gave me a trackerpad to locate any anomalies on the train. But, I was never satisfied with having things that only had one purpose so I modified it to connect with the train’s database. Now I can locate anyone on the train, and I get alerts if someone is following me.” she explained

Grace nodded as they continued on but quickly had to stop, wincing as a sharp pain shot through her leg. Amelia turned and looked back at her seemingly only having noticed she was on crutches at that moment. She frowned deeply at the realization. “Did he-” Grace cut her off with a nod, she didn’t need to hear the rest of the question. Amelia scowled. “What a piece of shit.” she said angrily.

Grace looked shocked. “It’s bad to speak ill of the dead.” she muttered. Amelia rolled her eyes.

“If the dead don’t want to be spoken poorly of they shouldn’t have been awful when they were alive.” she stated honestly. Grace figured that Amelia was probably right but she wasn't interested in discussing the idea any further. The two approached the hill that led to the house but as Grace prepared to climb up the thing Amelia started walking around it.

“Come on, I know a shortcut.” she explained. As they trekked on Grace winced in pain from her leg once again and Amelia halted turning to look at her. “Let’s take a rest.” she announced and though Grace wanted to protest on the basis that she needed to get back to the Apex kids her leg clearly had other plans. She sat down next to Amelia and allowed her to examine it. “The splint work is fine but you’ll need a proper cast if you insist on continuing to travel.” She said as she looked it over.

Amelia dug in her satchel and handed Grace a pill bottle. “Take a few painkillers. That will be a good temporary solution.” Amelia looked off at something Grace couldn’t see. “I’m sorry. I could tell from day one that he was awful and I still left you with him. I’m an adult, I should have done better.” Grace felt something well up in her chest. Everyone had apologized to her, Amelia, the Apex kids. They all felt guilt for what had happened even though it had nothing to do with them. They all felt responsible despite the fact that they shouldn’t have.

“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault.” Amelia looked at her curiously. “There is only one person who should feel sorry for what happened to me and he never will.” she said seriously. Amelia gave her a bit of an odd look then a little smile.

“Right then, let’s keep moving, we shouldn’t be too far from an emergency car, they should be able to put a proper cast on that leg of yours.” Grace raised her eyebrows.

“What’s an emergency car?” she asked. Amelia waved her off.

“I’ll explain it when we get there. Besides, there is someone there who I think would be pleased to see you.” It didn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce who Amelia was referring to. Grace felt her pulse quicken though not from fear this time or at least, not from the same type of fear. She was going to see Hazel again. Grace swallowed the painkillers and fought with herself mentally, she had to get back to the Apex kids but god she needed a nap.

Amelia stood up and pressed onward towards the car’s exit. “Are you coming?” she asked. Grace looked back at the forest from whence she’d come. She stood up with her crutches and turned her back on it, on her guilt. There was only one person who deserved to feel guilty and he’d never have developed the sense of morality necessary to do it.

“Yeah, I’m coming.” Grace responded as she followed Amelia toward the exit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Out with the old, in with the new


	12. Trauma Response

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a panic attack in this chapter

“As you likely know the train can be incredibly dangerous and the level of quality medical care available is minimal to say the least.” Amelia explained as she and Grace went on towards the exit. “So I made a suggestion to One that we create some cars that show up every so often and have trained medical staff. At first he was quite hostile to the idea, as he is to all of my ideas, but after I explained to him that more people would lower their numbers if their lives were not in peril he agreed to a test run.” 

The door swung open and Grace was greeted with an active hospital looking car that was staffed entirely by turtles. “So, turtles are kind of your thing huh?” she asked. Amelia rolled her eyes. 

“One told me I’d have to eject all of my creations as they weren’t originally a part of the train. But, since this car was created with them in mind I chose to repurpose them.” Amelia explained before walking over to a turtle in a lab coat and explaining the situation. The doctor looked over at her and nodded, gesturing for Grace to come with him. Grace followed behind him.

“Alright, we are going to make a mold of your leg and fit you with a cast. I’ll have my assistant come in to take the measurements and I’ll be back with a cast. Take a seat here,” he gestured to a chair. “And wait a moment.” Grace did as he asked and sat down only to be quickly approached by his assistant. Grace would have recognized that mess of blond hair anywhere.

“Hi, Hazel.” Grace said more shyly then she’d meant to. Hazel stared at her for a little before giving her a small smile.

“Hi, Grace.” she responded. Grace was reminded of the conversation she’d had with Hazel in her dream and her concerns that Hazel wouldn’t be okay. Looking at Hazel now, having comfortably settled into her turtle form and reading over a clipboard that Grace noted was just filled with crayon drawings, Grace decided that Hazel was okay. “How have you been?” Hazel asked as she began taking measurements of Grace’s leg.

Grace couldn’t bring herself to tell Hazel anything about what her life had been like since they’d become separated. It was bad enough to have so many people feeling guilty for everything that had happened. She wasn’t going to bring Hazel into that guilt. “I’ve been fine.” was the reply she settled on. Hazel looked at her seriously.

“You know Grace, it’s bad to lie. And it’s even worse to lie if you're bad at it.” Hazel said. She didn’t press Grace any further on the matter however. “I’m a helper in this car sometimes. Usually I just go wherever I want.” she explained. Grace nodded thoughtfully.

“That sounds nice.” Grace responded. “What I’ve been doing is...complicated.” Grace tried to ignore the flashes of what she’d endured, the images of what she’d done, that popped up in her head. Grace started shaking and she wasn’t sure why. The photo she’d brought with her fell from her pocket. Hazel picked it up and examined it before handing it back.

“You were pretty when you were younger.” she said quietly. She didn’t even acknowledge that Simon was in the photo. Grace felt grateful for that. 

“Thank you.” Grace said though she wasn’t sure if she was thanking her for the picture, for the compliment, or for simply being there. Maybe it was a combination of all three. Hazel looked at her seriously.

“Grace, are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Hazel asked. Grace did want to talk about it. But not with Hazel. She was so young, she shouldn’t be exposed to those types of things. It quickly dawned on Grace that Hazel already had. That in the time she’d been with her Hazel had grown up much more than she should have. 

“No, I’m fine.” Grace responded. “It’s very complicated.” she added as an explanation. Hazel looked at her exasperated.

“Most things are.” the doctor entered the room and dismissed Hazel. Before she left she turned to Grace. “We’ll talk more later.” she said in a way that was more of a statement of fact then a suggestion and Grace found it oddly comforting. The doctor fitted Grace with a cast and she quickly felt better.

“That was fairly good splint work. It’s rare for one to last so long.” he explained. Grace felt her stomach twist in knots. Hearing a compliment about Simon, even an unintentionally compliment made her want to vomit. She remembered how she’d gotten the splint in the first place, how she’d screamed for him not to touch her, how he’d ignored her and done it anyway. Grace felt sick again, like she was still in that moment. Maybe this was going to be her life forever, constantly going into awful flashbacks at the mere mention of Simon’s existence.

Grace felt her breathing get weird again and the doctor looked at her with concern. “Is the cast too tight?” he asked. Grace shook her head, grabbed her crutches and began leaving the examination room with the intention of leaving the car. She had to get back to the Apex, she couldn’t stay here and wallow in her own fears and traumatic memories. It was over, she’d ended it, so why did she still constantly feel like she was back there?

Maybe this had been Simon’s grand plan all along, to torture her so badly that she killed him and then haunt her life so that she’d never truly be free of him. Everything sounded too loud and Grace couldn’t remember where the car's exit was. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears and she felt tears fall down her face as she realized she couldn’t breathe. She didn’t know what was happening to her. A panic attack maybe, but she was Grace Monroe, she didn’t get panic attacks.

She should be fine, she was supposed to be fine. Killing Simon and leaving was supposed to be the end, a triumphant victory. She hadn’t felt victorious then and she didn’t feel it now. Right then Grace felt like she was dying and she just wanted everything to stop. Evidently her breakdown was seemingly obvious to everyone else in the car as countless people dropped what they were doing to sit her down and get her a drink of water. Grace protested that she was fine but the fact that she was not was quite obvious to the professionals.

Grace accepted that she wasn’t getting out of the car for at least a while and sat there quietly staring at her hands as she did her best to try and figure out what was wrong with her. Maybe he’d done it, maybe he’d broken her. Grace didn’t know what it felt like to be broken but she sure as hell didn’t feel together. How was she even going to function when one thing that reminded her of what had happened set her off?

Hazel came over to her and looked at her expectantly. Too tired to try and deny the girl her answers Grace sighed defeatedly and began. “After you left I went back with Simon, he did some awful things to my memories and left me. I had an epiphany about the things I’d done wrong and went back to the Apex. When I showed up he was very mad at me and spent the next month and a half ruining my life.” Grace said, choosing not to go into detail about what he’d done to her.

Hazel nodded sympathetically. Grace remembered the last conversation she’d had with him. How he’d brought up Hazel to scare her, to threaten her. “He said he saw you…” Grace began before trailing off. Hazel shook her head.

“No,I didn’t see him after I went with Amelia.” she responded. Simon had lied. Of course that bastard had lied. Grace reminded herself not to think ill of the dead but it was hard not to. He’d lied to her to hurt her because all he’d cared about was hurting her. And he was still hurting her even though she felt like he shouldn’t have the power to anymore. The things that you experience stay with you and Grace knew that but she didn’t think it was supposed to be like this. 

Your experiences weren’t supposed to debilitate you, to destroy your ability to do certain things. But her experiences had. Hazel broke Grace’s train of thought. “I’m sorry.” she said. Grace felt herself become filled with rage that Simon had done this to her, had made everyone she knew feel guilty for what they hadn’t done because he refused to feel guilty for what he had done. “Hazel it’s not your fault.” Grace responded.

“I know. I don’t regret leaving with Amelia, it was the right thing to do to protect myself. But, it doesn’t mean I can’t feel bad that I couldn’t protect you.” Hazel explained. Grace always forgot how mature Hazel was, how mature she’d been forced to become. She remembered the tiny innocent little girl who didn’t even know if she was a kid that Grace had met what felt like years ago.

“Hazel, you're a kid, you shouldn’t have had to protect yourself and you definitely shouldn’t have had to protect me.” she said softly. Hazel gave her a small, sad smile and held Grace’s hand.

“You’re a kid too.” she said. Grace felt herself start crying again but not the same panicked, frenzied tears that she’d gotten from her memories of the past. Softer, quiet tears that Grace allowed to fall because they felt good, letting this out felt good. But despite how nice letting those feelings out felt, Grace still had to go reunite with her kids, she still had to look towards the future. Wiping her tears she got up and walked back over towards Amelia.

“You said your trackerpad can find anyone on the train, can it locate multiple targets?” she asked. Amelia nodded and handed it to her. Grace set her sights on the kids and began heading towards the exit. Surprisingly enough, Amelia joined her.

“It’s a slow day.” she said as justification for joining Grace’s side. Hazel quickly started walking alongside them.

“Hazel, you don’t have to come.” Grace offered. She didn't want Hazel to feel as though she had to come along with her out of some form of guilt. Hazel crossed her arms and looked at her stubbornly.

“I told you that I go wherever I want, and I want to go with you.” she replied. Grace laughed and with that the three were off, a strange group headed towards something that neither understood. Grace felt a little less broken and maybe that was a victory. Maybe every day that she woke up and didn’t feel like Simon had won was a tiny little triumph. As Grace headed towards the direction of the Apex she felt victorious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grace is going through it y’all


	13. Deleted Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter

It felt strange to be among a group of people traveling again. The last time Grace had been traveling alongside Hazel and Amelia had been before things had gone so far down the rabbit hole of awfulness. That memory honestly felt more like a story Grace told herself than anything that had actually happened. Everything had changed so much since then. She felt that if she could go back and speak to that Grace she wouldn’t even recognize herself. And yet here she was, walking with Hazel and Amelia just as she had all that time ago.

“Grace, what are you thinking about?” came the question from Hazel, which indicated to Grace that she had been staring at nothing for far too long and her travel companions were concerned she was having a stroke. Grace waved her hand to indicate that it had been a frivolous thought.

“Just remembering the last time the three of us were together like this.” she said to the little girl. Hazel nodded and that likely would have been the end of the conversation had it not been for Amelia. Hazel and Grace sat on the ground of a Sudoku themed car. They’d both offered to help solve the puzzle but Amelia had absolutely insisted that she could do it on her own. Amelia had ignored their conversation up till now but seemingly having grown frustrated at the lack of progress with the puzzle she spun around and looked at them.

“Actually last time we were together there were four of us.” she said with a level of frustration that was directed at the puzzle but had been taken out on the girls. At the mention of there having been four of them originally Grace recalled what happened immediately after they separated and felt her blood run cold. She remembered what the doctors had said and began breathing in and out deeply. Hazel looked at Amelia with as much frustration as her adorable six years old face could manage.

“Why did you say that?” Hazel asked the old woman who still looked annoyed. Grace gripped at her jeans and continued breathing in and out. Amelia finally noticed this and calmed down and apologized.

“I was just frustrated with the puzzle. Sorry.” she said attempting to make amends for her rude comment. Grace finally calmed herself down and Hazel went to her side.

“Are you okay?” she asked Grace sweetly. Grace appreciated the sentiment of Hazel joining her side to calm her. She also felt frustrated that she had to be babied by a literal child. Grace was a leader, she was a survivor. She’d been through hell and walked out alive and now here she was unable to hear even vague illusions to what had happened to her without being on the verge of tears. Grace let out a frustrated groan before turning to Amelia.

“You’ve been on the train for a long time right?” Grace asked. Amelia nodded.

“Possibly the longest time.” Amelia responded.

“Then you know about those memory tape extractor things right.” she asked her. Amelia nodded and dug into her satchel before pulling out the item Grace was referring to.

“You mean this thing?” Amelia asked, holding up the item that Grace had requested. Grace shuttered remembering when the thing had been used on her, and who it had been used by. How ironic then what she was about to request.

“I want you to use it to go in my brain and fix me.” Grace requested. Amelia looked at her for a minute trying to find any indication was simply joking. Grace did her best to convey with her face that she was serious.

“You’re kidding, right?” Amelia asked, still giving Grace an out to retract her statement. Grace shook her head.

“Right now I can’t do anything, even the tiniest things set me off, I’m useless. I need you to fix me so I can go back to not being that.” she explained. Amelia put her head in her hands.

“I don’t think I’ve understood you correctly so please allow me to restate what I think you’ve just said. You want me,” she gestured towards herself. “To go inside your mind using the memory tape and fix you was it?” Amelia asked. Grace nodded again.

“If even tiny things can set me off, what if something does when someone is in danger. The train is super dangerous and I can’t afford to have such an obvious weakness, I need you to fix me.” Grace demanded. Amelia stared at her dumbfounded.

“Okay, there are a few holes in that plan. Number one, I can’t fix you whatever that means. The memory tape only exists to view memories, that’s it. I can’t alter a person’s fundamental being or anything like that. Moreover even if I could what you are experiencing are trauma induced panic attacks. Unless you’ve invented a device that can regulate the release of norepinephrine in your brain I can’t help you.” She explained. Grace rolled her eyes.

“The memory tape makes a physical tape of your memories right? Well the thing that’s causing the release of that long unpronounceable chemical in my brain is some awful memories. So since the memories are a physical thing why don’t you just remove the memories causing a problem? Boom I’m cured and we never have to think about it again.” Grace offered. Amelia looked at Grace like she was completely off the deep end.

“If I just cut out your memories there would be several consequences. For one, memories tend to stack on top of each other. If I remove one from your mind there is a chance that it will cause you to forget other things. For another, editing a memory tape is a very delicate process, it’s wholly possible that in doing it I’ll accidentally destroy multiple other memories. And finally, editing memory tape can kill you! It’s been known to cause rapid increases in fluid in the brain, lungs, and throat.” Amelia listed her reasoning. Grace rolled her eyes.

“I pulled out my own memory tape and I was fine.” Grace responded. Amelia looked absolutely horrified.

“You did what! It’s a miracle you're not dead! There is no way I’m playing around in your memories.” Amelia said stubbornly. Suddenly Hazel, who’d been listening patiently to the entire conversation, spoke up.

“I think you should do it.” she said. Both Amelia and Grace looked shocked at the little girl who gave her reasoning. “The things that Grace remembers are making her sad, and if you take them away it might help her feel better, so I think you should do it.” Amelia let out another frustrated groan.

“You two are really insufferable. I can’t remove your memories, that would lead to selective amnesia on any topic related to what happened.” Grace looked at Amelia pleadingly.

“I’m not asking you to take out everything, I know that would cause too many problems; but what happened to me went on for months. I’m sure at least one or two of those days can be cut out without any problem.” Amelia looked into Grace’s desperate begging eyes and sighed.

“Do you really think it would help anything?” she asked sincerely. Grace shrugged but still maintained that same pitiable look.

“I have to try, I can’t keep living like this.” she said earnestly. Both Grace and Hazel looked at Amelia expectantly who eventually lost the battle of wills and sighed.

“If you die from this just know I tried to warn you.” she said admitting defeat before digging further into her satchel and handing Grace a bottle. “Take these.” she said. Grace read the label and dropped the bottle like it had been poisoned. Maybe to her they were. Sleeping pills. There was no way in hell Grace was ever ingesting them again.

“I can’t, I won’t take sleeping pills.” she said seriously. Amelia sighed and offered another solution.

“Fine, Hazel, just keep her distracted while I work. I’ll need you to stay very still and absolutely no turning around.” she demanded. Grace nodded and sat with her back to Amelia. Hazel, recognizing that her job was to keep Grace calm and still began pulling up the printed numbers from the Sudoku covered floor and folding them into shapes. Grace followed suit quietly folding the numbers into paper planes as she did her best not to focus on what Amelia could be doing to her mind.

As she kept her hands occupied Grace couldn’t stop her mind from wandering however. Thoughts of what the little white balls that attached to her scalp were doing couldn’t be stopped and fears of the things that Amelia had mentioned filled her mind. Sure, right now she was weaker than she would have liked, and more susceptible to falling to her own mind but at least she was still here. If even a single mistake was made she could die, and then the Apex kids would be truly leaderless.

She’d promised herself she’d protect them, that she’d keep them safe. If she couldn’t do that, if she died because she was so concerned about making herself feel better the easiest way she knew she would have failed them. And wouldn’t Simon have just eaten this up. Grace putting her very life in danger just for the tiny hope that she’d maybe evict him from her mind, if only a little. He still had control over her, over her mind, over her body. He continually proved that he was intent on making good on his promise to make sure that she never knew peace again.

Grace knew this wasn’t right, knew that for all that her panic attacks and anxiety hurt, accidentally losing something or getting too injured to protect her kids would hurt far more. She’d have to stop this, have to tell Amelia that she’d changed her mind but it was far too late now and Grace was sure Amelia was well into the process of cutting out her memories. If she objected now, if she said anything now, it would only serve to distract Amelia. Only serve to make it more likely that something would go wrong.

“Done.” Amelia announced. Grace turned around and looked at her surprised.

“Really? What did you cut out?” she asked. Amelia shook her head.

“Nothing, I’m sorry Grace but morally I don’t think I can do this for you-” Amelia found herself surprised when Grace threw her arms around her in a hug. Hazel, who had no context but liked hugs joined as well.

“Thank you. Not feeling in control sucks, and having panic attacks sucks, but I’m going to get through it; without messing up my mind.” Grace said, determined still hugging Amelia. Amelia was stiff as a board and made no move to hug back.

“Your welcome now let me go.” she demanded which Hazel and Grace obliged. After her initial discomfort of being hugged subsided Amelia looked at Grace more sympathetically. “The train had lots of solutions to lots of problems, and it’s great at a lot of things. But being actual therapy is in no way its strong suit.” she said jokingly. She knew that better than anyone. Grace nodded and she began helping Amelia on the puzzle. Grace was still struggling, she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be the person she was before she’d been tortured. But she now knew one thing for sure, one day she’d get off this train, and when she did she was going to therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't try to delete your memories kids, it may seem fun but it always ends badly.


	14. In Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a minor injury in this chapter

Grace ran around the kitchen trying to finish the mac and cheese while Amelia did her damnedest to open the can of cranberry sauce. Hazel added butter to the mashed potatoes but quickly tapped Grace on the shoulder when she’d finished.

“Grace,” Hazel said far too calmly. “I think the turkey is done.” she said gesturing to the insane amount of smoke coming out of the oven. Upon noticing this Grace panicked and threw on the oven mitts grabbing the significantly blackened turkey out of the oven. Amelia, who had finally given up on the can opener and bashed open the can of cranberry sauce, walked over to view the sight.

The turkey was burned, the macaroni and cheese was under-cooked and the cranberry sauce had pieces of the metal can in it. “At least the mashed potatoes look good.” Grace offered hopefully. Hazel looked at Grace nervously.

“Do you think our guests will notice?” she asked. Grace saw Amelia open her mouth likely to begin giving some pragmatic comment that while most likely true would also be a massive bummer. Grace decided to cut off her attempt at honesty with a more optimistic answer.

“If we just act like we did a really good job, maybe the car will reward our effort and give us the door.” she said putting on the fake overly nice voice she used to use with younger recruits. At least now she was using it for a more savory purpose she supposed. Hazel gave her a weak smile and went to go grab her mashed potatoes with the intention of presenting them. As Grace and Amelia went to grab their dishes Amelia addressed her.

“You know that's not how the train works right?” she said. Grace simply shrugged, at this point she was far beyond the point of expecting the train to make any sense whatsoever.

“Who knows, maybe it is.” she offered as the three held their poorly created dishes and walked into the dining room. Thanksgiving themed denizens sat all around the table, thankfully no turkeys however. They placed the dishes on the table in front of them and Grace held her breath. Every member of the table grabbed a helping of food and picked at it for a bit before giving them a weak thumbs up, presenting them the door and promptly trashing everything they’d made, besides the mashed potatoes. As the three tossed off their aprons and oven mitts Hazel squealed in excitement.

“We did it! We did a good job!” she said happily. Amelia shook her head and gave a different explanation.

“Actually I think they may have just been too polite to properly critique our food. Makes for awful judges but I guess it’s lucky for us considering we did an awful job.” she said honestly. Hazel didn’t seem too fazed by the news that the trio had actually done terrible when it came to cooking but Grace felt the need to reassure her anyway.

“You did a great job Hazel, your mashed potatoes were by far the highlight.” she said happily. Amelia nodded along seemingly having no snarky objection to that specific comment. The three stood at the exit to the car and Amelia changed the subject.

“How far are we from your little group.” she asked. Grace looked at the trackerpad again and could barely contain her excitement at the results.

“Not far at all, in fact, all we have to do is get through this next car and we’re home free.” she said happily. Grace felt better than she had in longer than she could remember. She was going to see her kids again. No caveats, no time limit, no one chasing them. She was going to help them get their numbers down, to send them home, and even if she never saw many of them after that she would at least be able to rest easy knowing that for all she’d done wrong, she’d helped people. Hazel grabbed her hand in excitement upon hearing the news.

“I’ll get to meet all of your friends in the Apex!” she said happily. It was so nice to see Hazel acting more like a kid again. She’d lost so much, had to become her own caretaker so young. Grace knew that Hazel deserved to be taken care of by a community of people who loved her, to be able to have friends and go on adventures. While she hadn’t really thought about what would happen when the three of them reunited with the Apex maybe this would work out after all. Maybe she could take care of everybody.

“You’re going to make so many new friends!” Grace told the girl happily. Amelia rolled her eyes, apparently having grown bored of the conversation and she pressed on into the next car. Grace braced herself, all she had to do was get through this car and the next part of her life could truly begin. She and Hazel followed Amelia across the bridge and entered into the next car only to find an outer space themed car. It was the largest car Grace had ever seen. A sparkling ball of light floated over to them which Grace assumed was a star and began talking to them.

“Hello, and welcome to space. It’s expansive and ever expanding! I assume you three will want to get to the exit right?” the star asked. Grace nodded suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer scope and size of the car. The star hadn’t been kidding about it being ever expanding, as soon as Grace thought she could see where the car ended it just got bigger again. “Well, as you might have noticed, right now you’re floating in the void.”

Grace, Hazel, and Amelia looked down to find that they were indeed floating. “Your goal is to get all the way over there,” the star gestured the best it could without limbs. “To planet earth, but as mentioned space is constantly expanding, and you may find that after a while it’s expanded so much that you’ve lost sight of where you're going and are stuck here forever.” the star added casually. “Anyway good luck.” and with that the star floated away joining the billions of others that looked just like it in the never ending landscape of space. Amelia looked around trying to formulate an idea.

“Alright, we know our goal. All we have to do is find the most efficient way of moving while floating that can get us from point A to point B before the car becomes too large, follow my lead.” she said. Grace and Hazel did as she asked following Amelia’s lead as she used the minor gravitational pull of each of the celestial bodies in order to propel herself forward. They were all still quite a ways from their goal of the planet earth but they’d been making great progress. As they traveled across the stars Grace closed her eyes for a moment and allowed herself to enjoy the feeling of zipping across the cosmos, unbridled, unbothered, completely free.

It had been so long since Grace had felt like maybe, truly, things might be okay. And she knew that this feeling wouldn’t last, but she also knew it would return. And she knew that over time, the feeling would become more and more frequent. Maybe that was enough. Grace’s relaxation was quickly ended when she heard a scream and stopped in her tracks. She and Amelia whipped around to see that Hazel had been pulled in by the gravity of a small asteroid and was falling towards the surface. The two rushed over as fast as they could doing their best to save her. Grace got there first and was only able to slow Hazel’s descent but not fully stop it.

“Ow!” Hazel said holding her arm as she hit the surface of the rock. Grace and Amelia joined her side looking at the injury. Amelia quickly diagnosed it.

“It’s likely a hairline fracture. We’ll have to get you back to the emergency car.” she explained. Hazel quickly shook her head.

“No! I’m fine. I want to stay with Grace and the Apex.” she replied. Grace sighed and looked at the little girl’s arm.

“Hazel, you’re hurt. You need to go to the doctor.” she said matter of factly. Hazel looked disappointed but didn’t begin crying. She squeezed her eyes tight and shook her head again.

“No. I missed you, I want to stay with you.” she explained. Grace gave the girl a hug.

“Hazel, as soon as I can I’ll find you again okay?” she asked. She could hear Hazel sniffling as she asked her question in return.

“Promise?” she asked sadly.

“I promise.” Grace responded and she meant it. Hazel broke the hug and nodded, now looking to Amelia expectantly. Before taking Hazel back to the emergency car Amelia addressed Grace, rummaging through her satchel before handing Grace something in a closed fist. Grace looked at what she’d been handed only to find that it was a wad of crumpled bills. She looked at Amelia confused, who gave her answer.

“Sometimes around the train you find money, most of the time American. I have no use for any of it for multiple reasons, so i’m offering it to you.” Grace shook her head and attempted to hand the money back but Amelia refused, and surprised Grace by removing her glove. Grace hadn’t seen her number in so long. It was low, lower than it had been in almost her entire time on the train.

“You’ll be off the train soon. And I have no idea where the train drops you, but you might want just a bit of money to start off with, trust me.” Grace put the bills in her pocket alongside the photo and nodded at Amelia, accepting her offer. Hazel gave Grace a weak wave and Grace waved back as the two headed off in opposite directions. The car had expanded in the time it had taken to have that conversation but earth was still in her sights. All Grace had to do was sit back for however long it took to get there.

Grace finally arrived at the car’s exit and took a deep breath. She exited onto the bridge and as she reached the door she stood for a moment bracing herself. Everything that had happened, everything that she’d done, had been for this. She entered the car to see that it was themed after a quiet lake. From where she’d entered this was the more secluded area and there was a more populated beach on the other side. As she walked deeper inside she was met with many colorful tents set up on the banks of the lake. As she got close out poured the Apex kids who quickly ran to give her hugs and to beg for tales of her journey.

“Apex, there will be plenty of time to tell you all about what happened, but there's something more important first.” the children gathered around her and took seats at her feet excited to be regaled with the story. Cautiously Grace showed off her arm and her severely lowered number to a crowd of shocked faces. “Let me tell you about numbers.” and so she did, explaining the truth about numbers to a nervous but ultimately excited crowd of children. So many wanted to see their families again, to go home. Grace made another promise, that she’d make sure each one did. It was a promise that she would keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare for a good old fashioned time skip next chapter


	15. Dead Man Walking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is mention of blood in this chapter

It had been two, no, three months since Grace had reunited with the Apex kids. She’d done her best to explain to them the point of the train; the goal of getting your number down and going home. Some kids took to it better than others, but they all understood eventually. Grace remembered watching her first go home. It had been only a week after her return when Lucy had gotten her number to zero and gone home to her family. Everyone had cried and Grace had done her best to comfort the children.

It hurt her too, even if it made her more happy than sad. The first thing Grace had done when she’d rejoined the children was make the trip to retrieve Hazel. It had been a relatively smooth trip both ways so Grace had been thankful for that. Besides, the look on Hazel’s face when an army of kids gathered around all excited to meet her and be her friend was absolutely priceless. They’d made a nice home in what they’d dubbed the lake car. 

Tents were set up on the banks and the kids would happily go play in the water while Grace watched them. They’d often go out to see if any denizens in other cars needed help with anything. It was a routine, it was comfortable, Grace rarely throughout about the things that caused her panic attacks. They still happened of course. The first time it had happened in front of the children had been the worst however.

They’d all crowded around her, their voices blending together. Hazel had gotten them to back off of her but Grace still needed to lie down for the rest of the day afterward. The Apex kids and Hazel spent the next two days absolutely doting on her which she’d hated. Her attempts to convince them that she was fine meant nothing. Sometimes they’d talk about Simon and Grace was fine with that. She’d learned far too many times that denying his existence did nothing.

Besides, she still kept their picture with her at all times. A month ago one of the kids, Nick, asked her about him after having seen the photo. He’d said something to the effect of; “Do you miss him?” Grace didn’t know how to answer that question. The first thought that came to her mind was no. Grace couldn’t think of a single time that she’d woken up and wished things were the way they’d been before. 

And yet, she still kept a time capsule from then. A more honest answer was that Grace missed having someone she felt she could rely on for everything. Someone who you could trust with your life, with your secrets. Simon hadn’t been that for her in a long time. But he had been once, and maybe that was what Grace missed. In the end she’d given a different response all together.

“It doesn’t matter.” Grace wasn’t sure if it was the truth or not but it felt good to say. That whether or not she missed Simon didn’t matter because it didn’t. Those feelings were valid, but ultimately, irrelevant. This had apparently been an acceptable answer because Nick walked off to go play with his friends and no one ever asked her about Simon again. Grace laid there, thinking about all of this as she stared at the ceiling of her tent. 

She could keep lying there, keep thinking about everything that had happened and how it had made her feel, but that didn’t really matter now either. All of the kids were at home. The day before yesterday, early in the morning hours, the final one had gotten her exit. The rest of that day and the day after had felt like a veritable haze for Grace. She’d dedicated herself to getting all of the kids home and she’d done it. And yet she still felt unworthy of an exit herself. 

Grace heard a snore in her tent and quickly sat up only to see Hazel curled up on the opposite side of the tent from her. Grace didn’t remember her being in there when she’d gone to sleep but then again yesterday had been such a blur for her that it was wholly possible that she had been and Grace had simply forgotten it. At that moment Grace decided she needed some air and as quietly as she could crept out of the tent.

The sun was just rising over the lake and it shone reflecting it’s yellow-orange rays over the water. Grace was reminded of attending Tuba’s funeral with Hazel. A stray tear fell down her face that she didn’t know what to do with. Grace took a seat in front of the lake and watched the sunrise basking in the feeling. She was okay, her kids were okay. She reached in her fanny pack and removed the crumpled dollars that Amelia had given her. Counting it out in total it was about $275, enough to stay a few nights in a cheap motel.

Grace checked her number, it was only at fifty. Her number had never been that low in the history of her time on the train. She’d watched kids numbers drop triple digits for seemingly tiny actions, Grace was aware that she’d been off this train anytime now. Grace had never felt more happy or terrified. She sat and stretched as she watched the sun rise and felt a little better than she had. At that moment Grace heard footsteps behind her. At first she thought they might be Hazel’s but they were too loud, too heavy. She didn’t bother turning around.

“Hi, Simon.” she said casually. She could hear him scoff behind her.

“That’s your greeting for the person you murdered? You know I came here to kill you right?” he asked her. At that Grace finally turned around and looked at him. That gash was still torn in his forehead, it was still bleeding. He looked like he had when she last saw him. She shook her head and turned back to the lake.

“You’re not real. Just a guilt induced hallucination.” she explained to him. Grace wasn’t stupid, she’d known Simon was dead after she’d killed him. This Simon, he only existed within her. And maybe because she was scared to leave the train, or maybe because she wanted to talk to a person who wasn’t a child, or maybe because some part of her did still miss Simon, he was here now. He was here because she wanted him to be. Grace tapped the ground next to her and he sat down.

“So, you just made me up?” he asked. Grace nodded, still not looking at him. Grace knew she shouldn’t be imagining casual conversations between herself and the person she’d killed, she knew that this was a backslide. She couldn’t really bring herself to care. “Why? I was awful.” he said matter of factly. Grace nodded again.

“Yeah, I know. But you weren’t always.” she said. She turned to him now and wiped the blood that poured from the gash where she’d struck him. When she did the gash disappeared as well. Grace looked at her palms and laughed, a laugh that was somewhere between genuine and sad, but a laugh nonetheless. “Look,” she said gesturing. “No blood on my hands. There's probably a metaphor in there somewhere.”she added.

“So, do you regret it?” Simon asked her. She didn’t look at him anymore. This was a question she had to think about, not because she didn’t know the answer, but because she didn’t know how to phrase it.

“Killing you? No, never. You hit me, you broke my leg, you drugged me, you forced a kiss on me, and probably tons of other stuff that I’m not remembering. But you threatened Hazel, and that meant that I’d never for a second regret doing what I did.” she said and she meant it. Grace had felt awful a lot after the events that had transpired, but never did she wish to go back, never did she long to return to the abuse she’d suffered. Simon looked at her with a bit of sadness before responding.

“Harsh, but probably fair.” he said. Grace corrected him.

“Definitely fair. But, if I had the choice between things being how they are now, and the alternate universe where you realized what we were doing was wrong and helped me fix our mistakes, I think I’d choose that one.” she said, almost surprising herself with her honesty. Simon looked surprised before nodding. “It’s not about you by the way. It’s just that if we were on the same side a lot less people would have gotten hurt, and the kids would have gone home sooner.”

“You know I can tell when you're lying, because of the whole figment of your imagination thing.” he said. Grace rolled her eyes and gave a more honest response.

“Okay, it would have also been nice to still have a version of my former best friend who wasn’t awful.” she admitted. “But, you were, so no use in thinking about that. After all, this,” she gestured to him. “Talking to figments of my imagination, isn’t exactly going to fly off the train.” she added. Simon nodded at this.

“What are you going to do when you get off the train?” he asked. Grace shrugged at this.

“I’m not sure, therapy definitely, but that costs money so I’ll probably have to go find my parents which I’m not looking forward to but whatever. Maybe I’ll get a job so at the very least I won’t have to live in their house.” she offered. It was nice to discuss her plans with someone, even if it was just her imagined version of Simon. “Maybe I’ll find your parents and give them this picture.” she said quietly. “Then again, if you ended up on this train they couldn’t have been great, so maybe I’ll keep it.” she whispered. 

Hazel walked out of the tent rubbing her eyes and when Grace looked again Simon was gone. Just as well. Hazel sat next to Grace and asked her a question.

“Grace, what will happen to me when you leave?” she said. Grace didn’t have an answer for her but didn’t want to leave the girl in silence.

“What do you think will happen?” she asked her instead. Hazel looked thoughtful for a moment.

“I’ll go with Amelia and meet the conductor. And then maybe he can tell me what to do.” she responded. Grace chuckled at Hazel’s answer and brushed some hair from the little girl’s face.

“Yeah, maybe.” she said as the two sat there in silence. Grace could hear her number changing even though she didn’t want it to. But that was the thing about tying up loose ends, you can’t untie them. So her exit appeared and Grace looked at Hazel as she thought about what to do. She remembered watching that kid with the Letterman jacket try and take his friend with him, how they’d cried before being separated.

She wouldn’t put Hazel through that, she couldn’t come with her. Maybe Grace would stay, maybe her goal should be to stay on the train and live the rest of her life here. Hazel tapped on her shoulder.

“It’s time to go Grace.” and so go Grace would. She forced herself to walk through the door, to feel her body be pulled somewhere else as everything that had been reality for years melted away. She didn’t know where she’d go, she didn’t know where she’d end up. Grace took a deep breath as she felt everything that she was be taken somewhere else. She was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five more chapters and Grace going home


	16. Returned Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter

Grace opened her eyes and looked around. She had no idea where she was and she’d never felt more alone. Looking around Grace recognized that she was in the middle of a park and despite having arrived out of a portal and the park being filled with people no one seemed to have noticed her. Mothers and fathers pushed young children in strollers, elementary school kids around the same age as the ones she cared for ran around playing, and teenagers sat in dark corners talking.

Grace felt a pang of sadness thinking about what she’d missed out on. What might her life have been if she stayed. Maybe she’d be off with those teenagers talking and joking unaware of the true depths of evil a person could sink to. Maybe she’d have had a car, friends, a boyfriend. Maybe she’d be thinking about what college she’d be going to instead of trying to put the pieces of her life together. Grace would never know what her life could have been now, she was still a kid and yet she’d never be one. She was an outsider to but a select few people who she’d never meet who’d been on the train.

Grace pretended it didn’t hurt that her reality meant she’d never truly understand what it meant to be a teenager. Pretended that the fact that no one in her peer group would ever understand what she’d been through didn’t sting. It didn’t matter, none of this did. Nothing could be done to go back and give her the life that she’d been robbed of so there was no point in dwelling on what might have been, on what never would be.

The past was the past and this was now. And right now, Grace had to figure out where she was. She figured that going up to random strangers asking the date, time, and area of the country that they were in probably wouldn’t go over well so she opted instead to try and find a computer. After all, asking someone where the library was seemed far less likely to give away how little of a clue she had about what was going on. Walking over to a couple sitting together in the park she addressed the woman.

“Hi, do you know where the library is?” she asked nicely, trying to project tourist like confusion rather than complete and utter ignorance. The woman nodded and pointed towards a brick building across the street.

“Just down that way.” she replied. Grace gave her a smile and nod before heading off in that direction with the intention of going online to find out where exactly she was. After she had that information she wasn’t sure what she’d do. She sure as hell wasn’t going to seek out her parents, at least not yet. She needed some time to build up to that interaction.

As she stood in front of the library she read the name on the side of it. “Arbutus Branch Public Library.” it read. Grace couldn’t remember ever going to the library as a child so theoretically this place could be right outside her house and she wouldn’t have any clue. Then again it probably wasn’t. Grace could tell from the outside of the library alone that the place was a bit run down and unless there had been a major demographic shift since she’d left there was no way her town would have this many young people.

One of Grace’s complaints growing up had been that she was always the only kid amongst a sea of rich, old money, elderly socialites. If there had been this many people her own age around when she’d been growing up perhaps she would have actually had friends. Grace recognized that she was stalling and forced herself to enter into the building. It was quiet which Grace supposed she should have expected but it was still nice. Grace had spent so much time around the loud and raucous Apex children that she had quickly gained an appreciation for the quiet. She took it all in for a moment, the smell of ink on paper and the quiet clacking of computer keys.

It was almost therapeutic in a way. Of course Grace knew that while this may have felt therapeutic she needed to actually get in contact with her parents so she could get real therapy. It wasn’t like she could just stand in this library forever. She dragged herself over to the computers which were luckily within sight of the entrance. Grace didn’t want to disturb this atmosphere by having to ask a question. Sitting herself down at an empty desk she opened google and typed.

“Where am I right now?” Luckily the library had location services turned on and Grace got her answer. A few more searches after that revealed that the town she was currently occupying was about a five minute drive from her hometown, and from her parents residence. Eight years on the train had faded many of Grace’s memories, blurred faces and stolen names, but after everything that had occurred Grace could still remember her home address. She could still hear her mother's voice, softer and sweeter than it ever was for her, speaking into the receiver and listing the address of their home as if she was programmed to do it.

If she really wanted to, Grace could walk there and be home in less than a half an hour. If she really was obliged to do so Grace could be home and with her parents, her mother who always had an objection to her very being, her father for whom she was never enough, and there would be no issue. Grace closed the tab she was on before opening a new one and typing something else into the search bar.

“Motels near me.” Grace would go home soon. She’d be forced to, Amelia had only given her so much money. But not yet, she wasn’t ready yet. After reading over the results Grace chose a location that was within walking distance and set her sights upon going there and getting herself a room. She reached in her pocket to count out her cash again and after verifying that it was all still there she put it back. Grace reached into her other pocket to view the photo as verification that it was still there but upon feeling the pocket found it to be empty.

Grace felt panic setting in at the implications. Had she lost it? Or had it she never even had it in the first place? What if the idea of the train and as a result Simon had been nothing but a product of her broken mind trying to rationalize what had happened to her in reality and now that she’d escaped from that the cracks were starting to show? Grace held herself for a moment before remembering that she’d actually put the photo in her fanny pack for safe keeping. Opening it the photo was still there just as she left it.

Grace wished that she could let go of the photo and have it be a triumphant symbol of her progression but it was the only thing she had left from a time that had affected her greatly. It was all that was left of the Grace who she had been for eight years, and maybe that made it worth keeping despite the obvious implications. Grace still had access to the computer, she could look up whatever she wanted now that she had the information she needed. Silently, as if she was doing something wrong, Grace entered something new.

“Grace Monroe” She was absolutely overwhelmed by the results she’d gotten. Books, podcasts, documentaries, tv mini series, and even a high budget Hollywood film about her had all been produced. The results went as far back as the day of her disappearance to as recently as last year for that movie that had been created. Grace clicked on the wikipedia article labeled after her and read.

“The Grace Monroe missing child case is one of the most well known missing child cases in history due to its media oversaturation, it’s high profile, and it’s lack of either suspects or any conclusive evidence.” the article began. As Grace read on she was shocked to find that basically all of the high profile media surrounding her case had been funded by her parents with the express hope that she’d see it and return, at least in their words. In Grace’s own cynical mind all she could think was that it was a desperate attempt to save face from a media that would no doubt look at them as suspects.

According to the end of the article’s section on her parents after funding the highly popular and lucrative film about her disappearance failed to net any new evidence about what could have happened to her the two became essentially reclusive and haven’t been seen since the movie’s premiere though it was know that they were still alive as workers could be seen coming to and from their home. Grace felt odd at the idea of her parents, who had been all about dragging her to social events where she’d have to sit in the corner and not talk to or look at anyone, becoming reclusive.

Having learned all she wanted to from the article she closed the tab and once again found herself with the intention to leave. But something kept her there. Simon had gotten on the train around the same time as her. That meant his disappearance would have been around the same time as well. While Simon certainly wasn’t from a wealthy family the record of that disappearance should still be online. She could find out about his parents. Cautiously Grace typed Simon Laurent into the search bar.

She closed the tab. Nothing good would have come from her pressing enter. She would have either felt guilty or angry or both and neither was useful to her at that moment. Maybe one day after the emotions surrounding him weren't so fresh Grace would find out about the family that had created the beginnings of the person who would go on to hurt Grace more than anyone could imagine. But that day was not today. Grace exited the library with and headed towards the destination of the motel with a clear head and a goal.

After a brief conversation with the nice man working the front desk Grace had gotten herself as room. She obviously had no luggage, no clean clothes, and no food in her stomach, other than the granola bar the man had let her have for free despite her objections that she could pay for it. As she fumbled with the room key and entered Grace was greeted with a room that contained a single, half-made bed, a CRT television that kept fuzzing out, and a subtle but persistent smell of mildew. It was the nicest place Grace had been in five months.

She’d spent two months barely sleeping while tied to a wall and an additional three months sleeping in a tent with only a thin layer of plastic separating her from the literal dirt ground. At this point any bed, even a bed that wasn’t made and smelled faintly of mildew was like heaven. And Grace couldn’t remember the last time that she’d seen a real, actual, television. She found the remote and flipped through channels until she came across one playing a rerun of some old show her parents had always left on in the background.

She flopped onto the bed and stared at the ceiling while the show played. It was still the middle of the day, definitely too early to go to sleep, but Grace had no idea where else she was supposed to go. She decided that she’d force herself to go find her parents tomorrow but today, today she just wanted for herself. For just one day Grace wanted to enjoy the wholly uncomplicated feeling of being off the train, and safe, and happy, with no strings attached. She closed her eyes and let the sounds of the tv transport her. Just for a moment, Grace felt home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grace is finally home.


	17. Blood Test

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is drawing of blood in this chapter

Grace didn’t know when but at some point the combination of the soft hum of the tv, the quiet murmurs of the ac unit, and the feeling of finally having returned home she’d fallen asleep. She likely would have stayed asleep too had it not been for the random pain in her leg that had been so sharp and concentrated that Grace had jolted herself awake having to hold back a silent scream as she almost thought it was getting broken again. When she sat up in bed she took deep breaths and reminded herself of where she was. That was new, Grace never had dreams about her trauma, the memories always flooded back while she was conscious but sleep was a haven.

“At least it used to be.” Grace noted before looking down at her leg. She actually had no clue how long she was supposed to keep her cast on, she was sure she’d been told but with everything else going on in her life that piece of information had eluded her. More than a few times she’d considered just prying the thing off but each time she’d decided against it. After all, only bad things could come from removing it too early compared to removing it late. Besides, she’d gotten so used to having to walk with crutches and wearing the thing that sometimes she almost forgot that it hadn’t always been like this.

“Well, I certainly remember now.” she mused as rubbed a sympathetic hand over her sore leg. With no pain killers she’d just have to deal with it for now and wait for the pain to fade, however long that took. Grace’s last doctor visit had been three months ago when she’d gotten the thing and she was fairly sure that she was due for another. And she also knew that the only way that she was getting a doctor visit, barring getting a job with good health insurance, was to go find her parents. She looked over at the clock, she’d fallen asleep somewhere around midday. The time on the clock read 8:30 pm. A part of Grace wanted to say that since it wasn’t tomorrow yet she should just stay and go back to sleep. 

The rest of her knew that putting off the inevitable would just seek to make her more anxious. Sitting up in bed fully now she opened her fanny pack and counted what she had left. She’d spent $65 on the room and since she was going at night she’d probably have to pay some money for a ride. Outside of that she definitely would have enough cash left over to get something to eat before seeing her parents.

“I’ll consider it my last meal.” she told herself as she marched downstairs to the front desk to ask about somewhere she could eat. After a brief exchange about food and taxis Grace found herself across the street at a Mcdonalds. She remembered as a child never being allowed to go near one let alone eat at one and if what Grace knew about the restaurant was true it was probably a good call. It never stopped her from being bitter about it however and so as a show of confidence, and unbridled hunger, Grace was going to eat this greasy, awful for her, fast food. What a fitting last meal for her last night of freedom, something she was sure she’d never have again after being around her parents.

After eating a caloric nightmare of a meal Grace felt full though she wasn’t sure if the meal had made her feel better or worse physically. At the very least it relaxed her enough to make the phone call to the cab company. Grace still remembered her parents phone numbers, it was completely possible for her to just call them instead but she decided against it. It was better to do this in person, to rip off the bandaid. Her ride arrived and she climbed in the back preparing for the longest five minutes of her life. The driver didn’t talk to her which was good, Grace didn’t know if she could handle small talk while she was trying desperately not to jump out of the moving car and run as fast as she could in the opposite direction. Grace braced herself as he pulled up to the gate and she saw the familiar lights of Monroe Estate.

She tipped the driver extra for making her ride as painless as possible and walked up to the gate’s keypad. She typed in the code and heard the familiar correct buzz as the gate opened for her. Just like her parents to keep the same gate code for eighteen years in a row. Every movement toward the door of the house felt like an impossible feat. It was as if Grace was being affected by moon gravity, every inch forward like a desperate struggle against the forces of nature themselves. After what felt like an eternity Grace finally made her way onto the doorstep and barring a brief consideration of just booking it in the opposite direction, she was confident when she rang the doorbell.

The person who’d opened the door wasn’t one of her parents and Grace hadn’t expected it to be. It was a housekeeper who Grace figured was hired after her time. Just as nannies were never kept for too long housekeepers were seen as similarly disposable to her parents. The only workers that stayed long were chefs and Grace never spoke to them. The woman eyed her up and down before addressing her.

“If you’re here to sell something we aren't buying.” she said as if rehearsed. Knowing her parents they likely had made the woman rehearse it. 

“I’m Grace Monroe. I want to talk to my parents.” she said. The woman shook her head and replied to her.

“I’ve been told that if someone comes to the door claiming to be Grace Monroe I am to shut the door after informing them that we will call the police on trespassers.” Grace figured that this would likely happen, if her parents truly had receded inward over the course of her absence they likely had gone through many false leads and felt burnt out. 

“I am Grace Monroe. How else would I have known the gate code.” she said matter of factly. The woman peaked her head out of the door at that moment seemingly having noticed the open gate. She opened her mouth likely to say another of the phrases her employers had drilled into her before closing it upon realizing that she had no response. 

“I’ll go retrieve the owners of this property.” she said quietly before rushing off inside. Grace couldn’t hear what was being said but she could hear her father's annoyed grumbling about good help when he and her mother approached the door frame and looked at her. Maybe it was just that they were higher than her on the stoop, or maybe it was that they’d always been taller than her but something about the way that her parents looked down on her made Grace feel like a ten year old again in the worst possible way. The three of them stared at each other for a moment before her mother spoke.

“So, you claim to be our daughter?” Grace opened her mouth to respond but her mother cut her off before she could even begin. “Well I suppose you look enough like her. And you did know the gate code.” It seemed that she was simply trying to decide how serious to take her. Her father spoke up now. 

“Why don’t we just do the blood test and get this over with. Come on.” he said gesturing towards Grace. Her mother looked annoyed at her process being cut off. 

“I was trying to decide if it was worth the risk but fine, let’s just invite every stray teenager off the street who looks vaguely like our daughter inside our home.” she said passive aggressively. Her parents had always been like that, the only time they could seem to not take swipes at each other was when they were taking swipes at her. Her father ignored the comment and walked back into the house. Grace followed behind the two of them and was struck by how nothing had changed in their home. Same furniture, same colored walls, Grace even noticed that the scuff marks she’d left on the wall were still there. 

That struck her as odd, the day that she’d done that her mother had gone on a rampage about it and her father had already been setting an appointment to have the scuffs removed. Grace then remembered that she’d done it the same day she’d gotten on the train and it dawned on her that her parents had likely left them there intentionally. Grace’s train of thought was broken when she was spoken to by her father.

“Sit there,” he said, gesturing at the couch. “The doctor is on her way.” Grace did as she was told, putting her crutches off to the side sitting on the black couch that was designated for her to sit on as a child. The white couch, which her parents sat across from her on, was for adults alone because she couldn’t be trusted on it. Her parents didn’t look her in the eyes which she should have expected but hurt nonetheless. It felt like hours that they sat there in silence before the doctor, a woman in a white lab coat, entered. She didn’t address Grace either, instead choosing to talk exclusively to her parents.

“The usual?” she asked. Her mother nodded and the woman grabbed a syringe from her medical bag. Finally she looked at Grace. “Are you squeamish about blood?” Grace shook her head. The woman drew Grace’s blood and walked off towards another part of the house.

“Doesn’t she have to take that to get tested somewhere else?” Grace asked. Her father shook his head but still didn’t look at her.

“We have a blood testing machine here.” he said before summoning over one of their workers and asking her to inform them as soon as the results came in. The woman nodded and walked away. Grace spoke again now.

“Aren’t those super expensive?” Grace asked. Another one of their workers walked over, this time at her mother behest.

“We do this often.” she said cynically. “A cup of herbal for me and black coffee for him.” she to a member of the kitchen staff who rushed off to get their drinks. They didn’t offer Grace anything. Grace didn’t ask. After a while the drinks returned and the three continued sitting there waiting for the results of the test to come and exonerate her. Her parents stayed near but never looked at her. Grace silently wondered what the point of sitting in the same room as her was if they were just going to pretend she wasn’t there. Eventually, the doctor did come back with the results.

“It’s a match, that is your daughter.” she said. Grace didn’t know what reaction she expected from her parents at the news. Maybe she’d expected them to demand she run it again. Or maybe to simply get up and walk away leaving Grace alone. The farthest thing from Grace’s mind was what they actually did. Both silently put down their drinks and looked her in the eyes. The question came from her mother.

“Do you want to talk-” Grace cut her mother off. A younger Grace would have never imagined doing that. But she was frustrated, she wanted some tea, and she was in no way ready to tell her parents even an altered version of the events that had transpired over the last eight years.

“No. I don’t.” she said. Grace prepared to be yelled at, to be told off and screamed at for being disrespectful and to be forced to share her trauma whether she liked it or not. Once again her parents surprised her.

“Okay.” her father said and that was the last they asked her about it for the night. 

“Do you want something to drink?” her mother asked. Grace nodded and requested some green tea which she was given. Grace stared into her cup for a moment and took in this feeling, the bitter sweet uncomfortable moment that she occupied. She thought she heard one of her parents say I love you. Maybe it had been both, maybe it had been neither. It didn’t matter, she said it back anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're in the endgame now


	18. Blinding Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter

That morning Grace was woken up by the sound of footsteps coming towards her room. Upon waking up she was slightly disoriented, but was relieved to find that she was in one of countless guest rooms rather than in her childhood bed room. Being there, in the room she’d grew up in, would have felt far too familiar. Grace rubbed her eyes as the door opened and she was addressed by a member of the house’s staff.

“Ms. Monroe, your parents request your presence for breakfast.” she said seriously. Grace sat up and looked at the woman. Her name tag read “Lauren”. Grace stretched and grabbed the crutches near her bed and began preparing to go downstairs to meet with her parents. Lauren shook her head.

“Your parents have told me to specify that they expect you to be showered and dressed before meeting them for breakfast.” she said. Grace looked down at her clothes. They were the same clothes that she’d been wearing for months, though she had washed them as recently as yesterday, thanks to the washing machines near the motel. This was the only outfit she had considering what had occurred with her other clothes. “Look in the closet, a wardrobe has been provided for you.” Lauren added. Grace did as she asked and opened the closet to find that it was stuffed with countless up to date outfits all in her size. 

She considered the idea that her parents had correctly guessed her size and filled the closet while she was asleep. Or alternatively, that they just kept closets full of clothes sized for a teenager just in case she returned. Grace wasn’t sure what would have been worse. Lauren still stood there awkwardly. “There is a shower in this room. In addition, your parents have asked me to take your current outfit to be washed.” The way Lauren fidgeted Grace could tell she was lying. She was fairly sure that if she handed the woman these clothes she would never see them again.

“I’ll give them to you after my shower.” Grace said. It was a lie but she didn’t feel bad about saying it. Lauren nodded and left the room, closing the door behind her. Grace let out a deep sigh of discontent. She’d known that her parents' somewhat bewildering response to her return last night had been out of shock rather than actual change of character but it didn’t stop her from wishing it had been. Grace felt annoyed at herself for even hoping that her mother would have become the kind of woman who’d make her green tea or that her father would become the kind of man that accepted when she denied a request. 

Grace braced herself for whatever bullshit was waiting for her downstairs and decided to take her shower. Hot, running water was something of a luxury on the train and while the Mall car had it, Grace certainly hadn’t had access to it in quite a while. Baths in a freezing cold lake were certainly nothing compared to the miracle of indoor plumbing. Finishing her shower Grace took another look at the closet packed to bursting with outfits that while certainly nice looking and definitely expensive, weren't to her taste. If Grace had gotten off the train five months ago she probably would have just thrown on what they’d bought her to avoid conflict. After what Grace had been through a fight with her parents sounded almost enjoyable.

She threw on what she’d been wearing when she arrived. It was still clean, it was comfortable, and it would piss off her parents. All of those seemed like a win for Grace. Approaching the dining room as she rounded the corner she saw her parents before they saw her. Her mother sat on one end of the table, a copy of “The Virtue of Selfishness” in hand as she picked at her eggs benedict. Her father sat on the opposite end of the table, ignoring his biscuits and gravy in favor of his laptop on which he typed away at some document Grace couldn’t see, his focus only interrupted by intermittent sips from his black coffee. At the sound of her approaching the both looked up. Neither said anything about her outfit at least not directly.

“Well you look comfortable this morning.” her mother said, dancing on the line of ordering Grace to go change. Grace took her comment at face value.

“I am comfortable.” she responded. A member of the kitchen staff approached and asked her what she wanted for breakfast. “Waffles scrambled eggs and bacon, thank you.” she said to the man. Her father shot her an annoyed look about her thanking the waitstaff which she ignored. Her mother spoke again.

“Well, while comfort is important so is looking presentable, so you’ll have to change before today’s interview.” she said casually. Grace, who had only been half listening to what she’d assumed would be some backghanded retort now looked at her mother intently. The napkin she’d been holding was balled up in her fist.

“Today’s what?” she asked hoping that she’d heard incorrectly. She knew her parents were image obsessed but surely there was no way that their first thoughts after finding their missing daughter had been to throw her in front of a camera, right. Her mother repeated her statement with more details this time.

“Today’s interview. Me and your father have invited some of the major news networks down to interview you and break the story of your return. They’ll be asking simple things, where did you go, why did it take you so long to return, things like that. And you’ll be giving the answers we write for you.” she said. Grace felt sick to her stomach. Her mother said it so casually, it was as if she was telling her she’d have to take out the trash rather than telling her she’d have to share the most horrific eight years of her life with a bunch of strangers on national television. Internally she took deep breaths, she was an adult even if she didn’t feel like one, she could say no to this.

“I’m not doing an interview.” she said seriously. Grace expected to be chewed out then and there like she remembered her mother having done when she was a child. She mentally prepared herself to stand her ground. Rather than yell at her however her mother simply rolled her eyes like she’d expected it and didn’t bother to look up from her book.

“Honestly Grace, why do you have to be so over dramatic? I swear you may look older but you are still a child; you're doing the interview.” she said matter of factly. The server placed Grace’s plate in front of her. She felt her hands shake as she looked back to her mother. 

“I said I’m not doing it.” she replied. This got her mother to finally look up from her book if only to glare at her. 

“Stop being so immature. You don’t know what it’s like to have the whole world looking at you as if you're a monster who did something to your own child. To have to barricade yourself in your home because the outside world has decided you’re guilty. All you have to do is one interview and you're refusing because you want to act out.” her mother said it like it was fact, like Grace always did this type of thing for attention. And when she’d been under their care she had. But Grace hadn’t been under their care in a long time. Her mother knew nothing about the person she was now.

“I am not doing an interview so that you can clear your name. You have no idea what I went through and I’m not telling some made up story to the world just so you can avoid dirty looks!” Grace hadn’t meant to yell that last part but the frustration of her mother's seemingly never ending quest to only care about herself did nothing but frustrate her. Shocked by the tone of her voice Grace’s mother quickly looked to her father who’d been seemingly ignoring the squabble in favor of whatever was on his computer.

“Say something to your daughter please?” she asked him annoyed. Finally he looked up and addressed Grace.

“Listen, many people are invested in your story. You have a fervent fanbase, a brand to uphold. We have a script prewritten for you so you won’t have to share any details you don’t want to but you have to do the interview. It would be irresponsible to the future of that brand to throw it all away.” he said dryly. That pissed Grace off even more and quickly shot back an angry response.

“I don’t have a brand, I don’t have anything! The two of you built a brand around your missing presumed dead daughter and if you want to market me that’s fine but I’m not participating!” she yelled. Her mother rolled her eyes again.

“There you go being dramatic once again Grace. I swear I thought running away was the deepest level of your childishness.” she said. Grace glared at her.

“You think I willingly ran away? You think I ran away for eight years to get attention? Screw this and screw your interview, I’m not saying anything!” she said. Grace felt like an immovable object, there was nothing either of them could say to her to make her do this. She was an adult. There was no way that they were going to manipulate her with their words into doing the interview. Words weren’t what her mother used. She gave her a look. The look. The one Grace had spent practicality her entire childhood off the train trying to avoid. The look that made Grace fall back like she was a spoiled child begging for ice cream. Grace felt tiny in her chair as she sunk down hoping to avoid the piercing gaze that cut right through her.

“You’ll do the interview and that is final.” she said sternly.

“Yes ma'am.” Grace replied feeling once again like a powerless child. What could she say, what was there left for her to say. So Grace let herself be dressed by her parents' publicist. She allowed herself to read the script that had been written for her to “rehearse” for when the media arrived. And she accepted as she was pushed onto the stage in front of the blinking lights of the cameras. She tuned out as her parents gave their explanation of her discovery and showed off the results of the blood test and shed fake tears. Then they stepped to the side and Grace was up there alone on the podium. She felt disoriented and blinded. The words written on the page looked like gibberish to her. 

She focused on one point off in the distance and opened her mouth to speak. “Hi, my name is Grace Monroe but you all already knew that.” a dry chuckle from the camera people and interviewers in the audience. “When I was ten years old,” Grace looked at the paper and tried to read what came after. It didn’t matter, it was all lies. Grace cared about the truth, someone very important to her had told her that. “When I was ten years old I was kidnapped by a magic train and I stayed there for eight years committing heinous crimes and at one point being tortured until I realized what I did wrong, got the number that was on my hand to zero, and went home.” She could hear the mumbling and gasping, the scrambling of the people to try and make sense of what had just been said.

Her parents stood in the corner with a horrified look on their faces. Grace left the podium ignoring the millions of questions being shot her way by the media as she left the podium and walked over towards them. “Your image is clear, you got what you wanted. I hope you know a good therapist because after saying something like that one live tv I highly doubt it would look good for my brand if I wasn’t receiving some form of counseling.” and with that she walked off back inside the house. Grace Monroe was an adult, she wouldn’t be made a pawn in her parents game. Maybe now the entire world thought she was crazy, she didn’t care. They knew the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think that Jesse and Lake saw this broadcast and are just at home like "Isn't that the cult leader who tried to kill you/me?"


	19. Elsewhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warning for this chapter

Hazel didn’t know how long it had been since Grace had left, maybe just a few days. Since her former guardian had left the train Hazel had decided to follow through with what she’d said she’d do and go find Amelia. However, as someone who’d traveled with Amelia for sometime Hazel knew a certain fact about the old woman. That fact was that Amelia went all over the train, and that if she didn’t want you to find her, you wouldn’t. After staying with her to get her leg patched up Amelia had left the emergency car after getting an alert from the conductor that she had another job to do and Hazel hadn’t seen her since. 

So now she trudged through car after car hoping that she was at least going in the correct direction towards the engine. Though, if what Amelia had told her about the engine was true, it was unlikely that she would be getting in without some of her help. Still, Hazel didn’t know what else to do. She didn’t want to wander around the train for the rest of her life, she wanted a purpose. Maybe the conductor could give her one. Hazel yawned and silently hoped that the next car would be themed after a nap so she could take one but was disappointed to find that it was an exercise studio instead.

As she began to move through the car uninterested in exercising she was shocked to see who was fixing the fan in the corner of the studio. “Amelia? What are you doing here?” she asked, surprised. Amelia always seemed like she was on some big important mission from the conductor, like anytime she spent with you was a luxury because she had so much to be doing. Fixing the fan for an exercise class of seintant jogging pants was something that Hazel got the impression Amelia wouldn’t do. Amelia caught sight of the girl and scowled, not at her, but at the fact that she’d been caught. She turned the fan on and hopped down from the ladder to address her.

“Alright, you caught me.” she said dryly. “I am essentially a maintenance woman.” she added. Hazel looked at her confused, was this really what Amelia spent all day doing.

“I thought you worked for the conductor?” she asked. Amelia sighed and explained.

“I do work for the conductor, it’s just that most of the work that he assigns me is stuff like this, fixing the miniscule problems of random cars. The most interesting thing that I got to do was ejecting my old cars and after that was finished it was back to this, fixing fans and lights.” she explained. Amelia did seem genuinely annoyed that her job was that of a maintenance woman when she was so clearly brilliant enough to be working on far more interesting projects. Hazel still looked on with interest. 

“That sounds fun, you get to go all over the train and make things work right.” she replied. Amelia rolled her eyes.

“I assure you it’s not. Once you’ve fixed one fan you’ve kind of fixed them all, you know.” Amelia began packing up her tools and heading to the next car on her list in need of maintenance. “By the way, what are you even doing this far out? Won’t Grace be worried.?” she asked as she headed out onto the bridge. Hazel shook her head.

“Grace left the train a little while ago.” she said. Hazel noticed the little smile that was on the corners of Amelia’s mouth that she tried to hide. Despite her rough exterior Amelia really was fond of herself and Grace.

“That’s nice for her but why does that involve you looking for me?” she asked. Hazel knew that Amelia would naturally reject any suggestion that she should watch over her on the principle that she did not like children and was constantly on the move but she also knew that Amelia was likely so bored with her job that she'd take the opportunity to go blow it off.

“I want you to take me to the engine so I can meet the conductor.” Hazel said. Amelia gave her a look of surprise followed by a small laugh and a shake of the head. 

“Trust me, while I love going on little excursions with you as much as a person with no particular fondness for children can, taking you to the engine is not a great idea.” she explained. Hazel felt both frustrated and confused and it showed on her face as she followed Amelia into the next car. 

“Why can’t I go?” she asked her. Hazel knew that she was going to spend the rest of her life on this train and that she had no problem with, but spending the rest of her life on this train purposeless and alone wasn’t a fate that she would submit to.

“You can’t go because One isn’t who you think he is. While he’s certainly no evil dictator he’s also not particularly nice or empathetic. When he heard about you he wanted me to eject you along with my cars, the only reason you're still standing is that I was able to recalibrate my pulse to not detect you as an anomaly.” Amelia explained. “Whatever you're trying to gain by seeking him out, trust me, you won’t get it.” Amelia was a woman who spoke from experience on that front. Hazel didn’t care about Amelia’s warning however. Maybe the conductor wasn’t very nice but he certainly cared about the train and since Hazel was a denizen on it then he’d certainly want to find a purpose for her.

“You’ve gotta take me. I want to find a purpose on this train, and if I find one I won’t ever have to bother you again.” she stated. Amelia looked at the small girl with a combination of pity, annoyance, and fondness.

“You really want me to take you?” she said, offering Hazel an out to forget about this whole endeavor. Hazel didn’t back down and reaffirmed her wishes.

“Yes, I want to talk with One-One.” she responded. Amelia let out a groan at the fact that she was actually going to concede to this ludacris demand. 

“Fine, come on.” she said as she began walking away from the exit to the car that they were in and starting walking off to the side. Hazel followed behind her confused as to exactly how this was going to get them closer to the engine and to the conductor.

“Where are we going?” she asked. Amelia began with her explanation. 

“As you know the train is huge, infinite in fact. This means that getting to the engine to report back to One can be a bit of a hassle, so in every car there is a hidden keypad. When the correct code, which is only known by me, is entered it reveals the complicated transportation system that the train uses to allow for everything to be in its place, and I can use it to get to the engine quickly.” she said. Hazel nodded having absorbed nothing from the interaction. Amelia kicked over a seemingly insignificant rock and which caused an elevator-like transportation system to rise from the ground. 

Amelia entered into the open door of the elevator and Hazel followed behind her. Unlike a normal elevator it had no buttons to select a floor and instead Amelia simply said “engine” into the speaker of the thing and it began moving towards their destination finally stopping when they’d arrived. The doors open and Hazel was awestruck by the engine, it was like no car she’d ever seen before. Inside a strange mechanical tentacled robot with a ghost white face scurried around. Hazel was frightened by the thing despite trying not to be and unconsciously grabbed onto Amelia, who ignored her.

“Is that the conductor?” she asked,frightened. Amelia looked thoughtful for a moment before giving her answer.

“Sort of.” she replied before addressing the conductor properly. “One, I’m back.” she said. The tentacled robot’s face popped open to reveal a small round little robot inside. Out popped the robot who used his tiny legs to walk over to them.

“Oh Amelia your back; and you’ve brought a friend! Hello little girl, what's your name?” One-One asked. Hazel peaked out from behind Amelia, less frightened now that the robot One-One had been piloting was no longer moving.

“I’m Hazel.” she said cautiously. Amelia was right in that One-One was nothing like Hazel expected him to be but she wasn’t very intimidated by him so that was good at the very least.

“Well hello Hazel, I’m One-One the conductor of the train. And what brings you to the engine?” he asked. The question was outwardly directed at Hazel but she waited for Amelia to answer for her.

“Hazel was one of my creations if you remember. Well, she’s asked for you to give her a purpose on the train.” she said casually. One-One looked about as delighted as was possible without facial features. 

“You actually want me to give you a purpose on the train? That’s wonderful! You wouldn’t believe how many people come here to complain about not liking their purpose on the train. Let’s see what we can do with you.” he said giving Hazel a once over. Hazel waited with baited breath to be told what she was to do on this train. The robot dinged indicating that he’d come up with an answer. “Well Hazel, you are a very special case. Considering you don’t have a car that was tied to you I can’t assign you the typical purpose of helping passengers to get off the train, though if what Amelia has told me is true you’ve done that just fine without being assigned. There is a role I can offer you on the train however, how would you like to be a maintenance worker?” he asked

Amelia looked indignant. “You’re offering my job to a child?” she asked.One-One chuckled at her discomfort. 

“Oh calm down Amelia. You are very old, and your number gets lower everyday, one day you’ll either fulfil your purpose on the train and get off, or die. And when that happens someone will have to keep the train up and running.” he explained to an annoyed Amelia. “I’m suggesting you train Hazel here so that she can take over when one of those two options occurs.” Hazel watched on in mild amusement. She hadn’t expected her purpose on the train to be what Amelia did but Hazel was sure she could make the best of it, Hazel could always make the best of everything.

“I want to do it!” Hazel said happily. Amelia looked like she was going to reject the idea out of hand and tell Hazel to figure something else out. But maybe in that moment Hazel looked too much like someone Amelia had loved a long time ago for her to reject the idea. She sighed and relented.

“Fine. I suppose I have always wanted an apprentice.” she said honestly. “I’ll teach you what I can.” and that was that. Hazel had gained a purpose on the train, and in a way Amelia had as well. Maybe that was all you could ask for, a goal to work towards. Perhaps that was what the train was for, to give you a goal so when you felt better you barely even realized it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hazel is fine, and soon Grace will be too


	20. Dance Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter

“Is this your first time in therapy?” the woman asked. She had told Grace her name when she first entered and Grace honestly felt really bad that she hadn’t absorbed it. She’d have to ask her about it and it would definitely be awkward that she couldn’t remember something as simple as the woman’s name. Grace was so caught up in her train of thought that she’d completely blocked out the question.

“I’m sorry can you repeat what you just said?” Grace responded. The woman still looked calm, dark brown eyes sparkling behind her glasses. 

“I asked if you’d ever been to therapy before.” she explained. Grace shifted uncomfortably on the brown leather couch in this woman’s office. What was her name, Nicole? Natalie? Grace still couldn’t remember. The answer to the question she’d asked was annoyingly complicated for a first question. Grace was fairly sure that the train didn’t count as therapy. She honestly felt she was kind of worse off when she left then when she’d gotten on. Then again at least she could stand up to her parents, so, progress? Grace decided that the train was probably more akin to reverse therapy and gave her answer.

“No, this is my first time.” she said quietly. She gripped onto the couch as if it would somehow anchor her. She had wanted this, specifically asked for it, and yet it all still felt so terrifying. The woman (Naomi, Nia?) marked down what she had said.

“Well Grace, I’ll just give you a quick rundown. Legally, I am required to report if you are having suicidal or homicidal ideations as well as if you are having auditory or visual hallucinations. Are you having any of those things?” Grace shook her head, the therapist wrote it down. “Other than those things everything we discuss in these sessions will be completely private, and the rest of the time is yours to discuss whatever you want.” Grace nodded and took a deep breath and tried to think of where to begin. On the one hand this woman was a therapist, listening to other peoples trauma was her job. On the other hand it felt kind of wrong to jump into torture without some build up.

Seeing that she was struggling the woman offered up a suggestion. “We don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want to, but if you don’t know what to say, we could begin by talking about your hobbies.” she said. Grace took a deep breath, hobbies, that was good, she could do that. 

“I like to dance.” Grace said. The woman nodded and smiled asking another question.

“Any particular type of dancing you like to do?” she said. Grace expanded.

“I like to dance ballet. But I haven't done it in a while.” she added. Grace expected the woman to immediately push on this and ask her why. But she didn’t, simply scribbling what Grace had said down and replying.

“That sounds nice.” she said but didn’t add anything else. It was Grace who took the conversation to the next level. 

“Don't you want to know why I stopped dancing for a while?” Grace asked. Nora,(or was it Naya) nodded and gave her answer.

“If you feel comfortable telling me.” she said. Grace felt nice being the one to set the pace at least a little. She wasn’t being forced to talk about this, she wanted to talk about this. 

“My leg was broken, so I’ve had a cast for the last five months, I just got it off yesterday.” she said. Grace looked down at her healed leg and moved it around slightly. It felt so odd to be without a cast when she’d grown so accustomed to having a splint, and then a cast, on for almost half a year. Considering she’d just got it off yesterday she hadn’t really had any time to brush up on her dancing, but it was nice to know she now had the option.

“How do you feel about having your cast off?” she asked. Grace thought it was an odd question but answered anyway.

“I feel good. When I had my cast on I felt very vulnerable, very...weak.” was the answer she gave. Grace didn’t know why she hesitated, it wasn’t like she was revealing some big secret by saying that being injured had made her feel weak. But it felt like a triumph to get it out nonetheless. 

“So, you don’t like feeling weak?” Nellie, (or Nesha, or Nina) asked her. Grace was confused by this question too, everyone knew that feeling weak sucked. Still, she answered it anyway.

“Doesn’t everybody?” she said. The woman nodded and wrote that down too. She asked another question.

“What does feeling weak mean to you?” she asked. Grace thought for a moment. It was a feeling; she had never been asked to describe it before. She did her best to give context to her statement. 

“It’s like when you can’t protect yourself, or the people you care about. When other people are able to hurt you and you can’t fight back.” Grace said. The woman who’s name Grace knew started with an N but couldn’t be sure of anything else asked Grace another question.

“Have you been in a situation where someone hurt you and you felt you couldn’t fight back?” she asked. Grace was quiet for a long time after that question. Her grip on the couch tightened so severely that she was sure she’d rip the leather. She did her best to regulate her breathing and stay calm but the feelings that questioned conjured, of being made unconscious, of being held against her will, of being drugged, of being powerless. All of them were far too painfully real, all were far too vivid in her mind. She wasn’t there anymore, she would never be there again. The therapist spoke again. “If you are uncomfortable answering that question we can move-” Grace cut her off with her response.

“Yes, I’ve been in a situation like that before.” she responded. Saying it out loud took work. But the kind smile that the woman gave her before writing it down made her feel much better, like she’d done the right thing. She felt like she needed a drink of water. “Can I have one?” she asked, gesturing to the cold water bottles in the mini fridge that sat in the corner.

“Go right ahead.” she said and Grace helped herself to one before sitting back down. “If you feel comfortable, can you tell me about that situation?” she asked. Grace wasn’t sure that she was ready to dive headfirst into everything that had taken place in detail but she at least felt comfortable enough to say something.

“Someone I trusted hurt me.” she said. That was more details then her parents had gotten out of her in the week that she’d been back and she’d shared it with a woman that she knew almost nothing about including her name because she made Grace feel safe. That did make sense, Grace always felt a bit uneasy around her parents at the best of times, but here at the very least she felt comfortable. Grace also figured that the longer this went on with her not knowing this woman’s name the more awkward it would be when she had to ask so before she could begin with her next question Grace added something. “Can you remind me of your name?” she asked. The woman nodded and then obliged.

“My name is Nikkie.” she said before moving on to examine Grace’s statement. “Can you tell me anything about this person?” Nikkie asked. “I understand if it’s difficult.” she said with a level of kindness in her voice that almost reminded Grace of Hazel.

“No...I can say a little about him. He was my friend, for a long time, and then he wasn’t.” Grace explained. She didn’t like to talk about Simon, especially not outloud. She didn’t like to explain outloud what he’d done because that gave him power that he didn’t deserve. Still, telling Nikkie didn’t feel like giving Simon unnecessary power, it felt like simply sharing something important. Nikkie wrote down what she’d said and continued.

“Being hurt by a friend sounds difficult. Is it hard to talk about that event?” she asked. Grace nodded in response, discussing what had happened was one of the most difficult things that she’d ever done.

“Yes, it’s very difficult.” she responded. Nikkie pressed on.

“Is there a reason why it’s hard to talk about those events?” she questioned. Grace was thoughtful for a moment. Explaining why those events had been awful was easy but thinking about why talking about them was difficult was another thing entirely. Simon was gone, she’d never see him again, so why was discussing him still such a sore subject?

“I guess the reason is just because when I talk about what happened I have to think about it, and thinking about it is hard.” Grace said giving the best answer she could muster. Nikkie nodded once again and Grace felt at ease, the scratching of pencil on paper to indicate that she was listening making her feel relaxed.

“I understand that. Thinking about things can be hard, especially when thinking about them can act as a trigger. Do you know what a trigger is Grace?” she asked. Grace shook her head and the woman gave her an explanation. “A trigger is a thought, person, place, or object, that can cause great distress or sometimes even panic attacks when we come into contact with it. Do you know what a panic attack is Grace?” she asked. Grace nodded.

“Yeah, I’m familiar with panic attacks.” she said honestly. Nikkie looked at her with softness and curiosity. 

“Have you experienced panic attacks before Grace?” she asked. Grace nodded in response. “Do you know what causes your panic attacks?” said asking another question. Grace thought again before giving her answer.

“Thinking about what he did to me.” she said before adding softly. “Thinking about how it ended.” Nikkie could likely see that Grace was already dancing on the line of distress and did not ask her any further questions about specific details on what Grace meant. Instead she turned the conversation towards another topic.

“What do you like about ballet?” she asked. Grace was initially thrown off by the sudden change in topic but adjusted and gave an answer, allowing herself to think about something positive in comparison to what the subject had been before.

“I like the feeling I get when I do a move or learn a routine. There’s a freedom in every twirl, in every landing of a particularly hard jump and in every movement that flows into the next. That’s what I like about ballet, the freedom.” she responded. There was a passion in Grace’s voice that she almost forgot she was capable of producing, there was something about being utterly engulfed in her own movements captivated her mind.

“Well, I know that with your cast you couldn’t dance but now that it’s off, I think you should continue doing it, it seems to bring you a lot of joy.” Nikkie said.

“When my leg was broken, someone told me that I’d never be able to dance the way I used to. I guess I’m a little afraid that they were right.” she said quietly. Nikkie shook her head.

“Maybe you’ll dance just like you used to. Or maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll dance better. It will be different but different doesn’t mean bad. Therapy is different for you and how do you feel about that?” she asked. Grace paused and looked down at her leg again. She was going to dance again, and she was going to dance better than she ever had before.

“I feel good.” Grace said and she meant it. She’d get better, a little better everyday. She’d dance, she’d joke and smile and laugh. Sometimes she’d be upset and hurt and scared but that wouldn’t be all the time. Sometimes she’d wake up and feel good, or if not good, better. Grace caught sight of herself in a mirror and felt a sense of pride fill her. She’d walked through hell and left with scars. But they were scars that would heal. Grace Monroe would dance again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grace will be okay

**Author's Note:**

> All right, my first attempt at angst, we'll see how this goes.


End file.
